Choices, thought processes
I sit in my living room couch and so many thoughts run through my head. I took the day off today, because i had a cold, which is much better now, thanks to the strict six-hourly anti-biotics i’ve been taking. I am not usually one to give a cold this much care and attention but due to few friends getting really bad colds, to the extent of getting admitted, fever etc… i decided not to take any chances and sought treatment asap and decided not to go to work incase it got worse.
Anyhow, so back to the thoughts…
so, i have been thinking how i need to get my shit together -
Problem - why i get so nervous around people who are ’superior’ and by superior i donot mean high level type people, anybody who i feel is more accomplished and sorted than i am - anyone who’s got a tad bit than i do - i fail to find ground, can’t speak well, get all my words mixed up and spend more time wondering if am making sense instead of just saying stuff and stopping to doubt myself - actually that’s probably what the problem is, doubting myself! i doubt myself so much, i don’t think i am that smart, or that likable, that’s why i keep wondering alot and never really just put myself out there! Yuck. this really sucks, i need to fix myself and get my shit together - ugh!
Current thoughts and way forward- I know this whole sounds too ‘beneath’ me and i really should be passed this, but am speaking the truth here. I feel that way sometimes and i know its a part of me that requires healing, big time!
I like to think of myself as someone who pretty much puts myself out there, an open plate, with no preconceived thoughts or biases… i listen and say what i think. I think my prob is i get so caught in trying to impress people that i don’t want to ask more or seem a tad bit shallow. I know, i know, i sound too lame, but am just saying whats on my mind and seeking clarity and repairs for this unhealed part of me 
Right, so the way i’d like to be, is basically embrace the idea that i donot need to know everything, i can always ask, actually i have found when we ask ourselves, questions, esp the very simple ones, the more enlightened we become.. You have to be convinced about an idea or a suggestion, if not then i need to ask and ask until i am FULLY there. So i need to accept and embrace questioning. Then, i also need to open up, not put up my guards all the time - just be, just join a convo w/ no pre-conceived notions of the people am talking to, in other words, with no FEAR. Just be all light about things and that way you move from doubting yourself to being involved and hence more productive! So that’s my task - i need to STOP FEARING. Just live lightheadedly and let things be. Worrying and negative doubting thought processes move me further away from the light and are only caused by fear. So, i def need to get that bit covered!
