Livin’ a conscious life

Been feeling very splintered and generally over the place lately. My response to this was to consciously remove such neurotic thoughts and get my head back up and SHINE.
But, in the process, i have been holding so much in, so much that i’d be angry at something or someone and instead of letting it out and informing that person, i’d keep it in and try to not put my needs b4 those of others (you know, avoiding impatience which simply is putting your needs b4 those of others and is not a healthy feeling/thought) so anyway, in that whole process, there’s been a lot of tangled thoughts and feelings and emotions! hence my frustration, basically the clarity levels have been at an all time low. this left me questioning my standing. so i have decided to rekindle the journey within, i know that true answers come from inside i.e. our gut feeling, intuition or our inner selves. I have been presented with a situation where i can actually do this, focus inside, on myself, question me, discover me and then i’d be in a better position to respond to the externalities. So i have decided that in order for me to be able to reach inside, i will do a sort of self-assessement/cross examining to find clues and answers to this splintery (LOL). I am thinking i might blog about it elsewhere because of the level of privacy such disclosure needs. but i might just blog here, don’t know, let’s see.

Listening to some Asa and love it! Her music relaxes me and brings me back to this beautiful life. not to mention her easy-to-relate lyrics and beautiful voice.

Ahem. I’ve been doing great, watching my little new fav man grow into a beautiful, round faced, cute eyed man - it’s such a blessing.

Thinking about going to Souf Afrik with my mums or best friend for vacay in a month’s time.

I didn’t need that cup of coffee but i still had it

Been making plenty healthy choices - exercising regularly and eating healthy

I hurry, rush my way through things a little too fast sometimes and need to take life one step at a time

One step at a time, my new motto

I need to seriously get back into the swing of working.

Peace. My head’s been all over the place,with the failed NL plans, but am holding on and smiling, already have alternative plans and working on realizing them

** Randomness: I have realized that the reason i was a bully of sorts in high sch was bse i was bse i was bullied in primary sch. I am happy to report that that ended with my teenage hood.

Until next time, toodles !

So my one finally met my Dad! What a beautiful and loving evening it was. ofcourse i had doubts bse of the issues surrounding them meeting and me and my dad’s bond but they both hit it off pretty well! I was amazed. The convo flowed, there was no first-meeting-with-future-inlaw tension or anything like that, it was simple and very relaxed which served as another reminder that this was all ‘written in the stars’ and the moon, the trees and the universe is FOR it, so there was no way it wouldn’t have flowed. I enjoyed every bit of it and was reminded why my dad’s always been so special to me and why my one is my #1.

I will not say much, except that i am amaze at the power of thoughts, once again, lol. I THOUGHT i had it right, but my heart FELT otherwise… it was not flowing. When i think about the kind of life i have led, my decisions have been guided by a lot more mind THOUGHTS than HEART FEELINGS - i know the only truth is following my heart bse that’s how i will always be convinced about whatever i want to do or be - therefore, i am opting for the feelings from my heart and taking that journey.
I tried to return to an old habit and it just did not flow, it took someone special to make me realize this, but i did. Whatever the case, i believe i am making peace w/ my true dreams and goals, though they are simple and might be overlooked by the mob, they are what i like and they are what i want to do, regardless of the situation. I feel like a rebel for choosing the less travell.ed path, but it feels right in my heart. I get excited over the thoughts of those plans and everything feels so simple - so looks like, am doing just that.

Clarity to you all!

Wohooo, just finished the first draft of my b-sch ap.plic.ation e.ssay! I cannot stress how excited i am - it’s a huge achievement because getting started was tough. I wanted to make it personal but also include the ‘big pic’ - wow. I will stop here and not look at it again until tomorrow morning! I will review it tomorrow and have it sent it fam, friends and colleagues - hopefully i’ll have a well written ess.ay by the end of all that editing. Plan to have it emailed to schools by 5th Sept, I AM SO HAPPY!!

I am currently going through the rather unexciting part of grad sch - application process. So i think, breath, see school profiles, motivation letters, recomm.endation letters etc… the process has really got me questioning myself and my intentions for attending b.sch - i have so many reasons but i guess i need to just find a clearer way of explaining them in a 200 word essay and also just filter the most important reasons! So ofcourse this means a lot of thinking and sorting out my brain, lol. For the most part, the one thing that i am pretty much left to complete is the essay - why the course? why the schools i have selected? why now? link with my career plans - this basically means that i need to know 1)why i want to do an M>BA 2) how it will help me in the future… am trying to make the ess.ay very personal and not throw in my country’s plans and history, yes i know it’s giving the ‘big pic’ but i want the essa.y to be easy to relate to and also simple and not too ambitious, in any case, that’s the only way it will stand out and be an interesting read. So, alot of reflecting, clarification etc…
I intend to create clarity, direction and ‘get back in the rhythm’ - dear universe, please hear me out.

The past couple of weeks have involved a lot thinking, figuring things out, researching, thinking, figuring things out and researching some more… to say the least.

In the midst of all the thinking, i became an aunt to one of the cutest and most precious babies, i ever laid my eyes on - welcome son, you are welcome - frankly humbled to be your auntie and i promise to be there anytime you need me and be one of your closest peeps - i want you to ask me about girls, about school, about jumping the fence to go partying, LOL - i want to understand you however way you choose to live your life, to advise you when you need me to, to love you unconditionally, to listen and embrace you and whoever you choose to be.

i turned 12 for the second time and had an awesome time, dinner w/ the girls which came w/ a surprise cake from them and a little surprise from me to them, i share one of my favorite songs w/ them Reflecting on the past year, i went through a bit of a rollercoaster which involved me planning to quit my job down to nitty gritty details including the date - deciding to start my own business, growing moredeciding to go to busines.s sch and changing my mind, healthy living, loving and accepting my mum as she is, meeting new friends etc etc… all in all, i am so thankful for all this growth - i feel like i have watched myself achieve all that i have and felt my mind expand - intellectually and spiritually. Am grateful for this.

The project’s been going well so far, few hiccups but nothing major, trying to fix it, silly sect.ur guys - but God’s in control and has a plan for us. It will work out.

Currently, whats been occupying my mind alot is going back to sch. Let me do an entire post on that later.

Otherwise, that’s all for now, folks!

peace

Lately i have been experience this overwhelming strength and positive energy in my life. I am aware of most of my thoughts and consciously directing them to the light - i also seem to REALLY not care too much about the ‘’honest opinion of others'’ like i embrace an alternative opinion from mine but it doesn’t make mine any less valid - i have had SO many of these happening lately. The strength just warms my soul each time i experience it esp since am aware, i feel like it’s helping me let go of so much burden that’s been laying on my shoulder for SO long. I am also very in tune with my feelings - good and bad — and am doing as i feel, ha! that’s true liberation and freedom. Seriously. Indifferent to others views/opinions and tapping into my gut feelings and acting according to what i feel because i know it’s come from an authentic part of me and therefore, i will have no regrets. Answers are coming from within, i’ve stopped searching for answers from others - i trust my feelings and let them guide me. I’m really enjoying this journey and it’s been very eye-opening - this experience has made me more open/vocal about my views which has evoked plenty responses/emotions which have shown me where i stand and who i stand with or not. This path am on has proved continuously the power of thoughts - i have been able to attract so many things/people just through my thoughts - seriously, be careful what you think because it might come true - i have focused on a lot of positive things/people i want in my life and they’ve been manifested - i feel like am in the realm, in the zone and i want to bask in it and stay here and even get further in this path. I would love to share my experience/path with others and get them ‘there’ too and also grow together. i believe that will happen. some day. not too long from now.

Light y’all x

I have never paid THIS much attention to the huge impact works have on our lives and thoughts - i have been reading alot of inspirational words, b.logs that TRANSFORM almost instantly and triggers all kinds of emotions/thoughts in my mind - words - they can be powerful, uplifting, motivating, inspiring, beautiful, heartwarming, create vision and impact thinking! It’s funny i never put that much thought into ‘words’ yet they’re so powerful. One the other hand, “poorly chosen words can kill enthusiasm, impact self-esteem, lower expectations and hold people back” so folks, be careful what you say and be even more careful what you read!

“When words are both true and kind, they can change our world.” ~ Buddha

- Happy with the choices I’ve been making
- Been even happier w/ my stream of thoughts - opening up my mind to creativity and positivity

PS - rethinking alot of things/ppl

…and not the poison!

I haven’t been on my blog in over a month because i’ve been mighty busy with work and non-work related work i.e. the project — i can’t believe that the blog below was written by this same mind, lol, (note to self: still got few splintered parts of me… i am work in progress, still getting my mind healed)… moving on very quickly, am above the comments made below, some of my reactions were unnecessary and just a chance to give rise to my ego i.e. feel important and putting other’s acceptance of me before my acceptance of myself. So moving on. I embrace me, am so much bigger than that.

Things have been looking up. In a big and blessed way.

The project finally got launched on June 6. Got alot of positive feedback/encouragement… things started off a bit rough, organization wise which ofcourse was expected but we pulled through. I took time off to help, made huge improvements during my time there, though i still feel there’s plenty more left to do. Infact, i just remembered that i have some template to prepare for the finance management, so i’ll have to cut this post short. Details to follow.

In short, i am SO grateful for God’s blessings, for support from friends, for love, for positivity, for the power of patience and optimism, wow, this project just won’t be shaken! It just keeps pushing forward… so thankful, WE are.

Yes yes yes, i shall RISE! lol i think the moral of this lesson is that i need to trust my gut more often. I do. bse i felt it, i knew it, i could see it, but i questioned myself and thought maybe it was just me. Ahh.

Anyway, so it’s not really as dramatic as i made it sound up there but, i have this colleague who i’ve been working with for the past 3 months or so, she’s here on a fellowship part of her company’s CSR… they send their top staff to train/build capacity of staff in working in NGOs in developing countries, so she came to my project. Anyway, so she’s been working on alot of our communication work which though it’s not directly under my responsibility, its something i think is fun and i’d love to develop more skills in. So my boss asked me to work with him and another guys that’s in the team - so things started off very nice and fun, i loved her brilliance, being an ivy-lea.gue grad, experience, M.BA etc… so i was very keen to learn from her and get as much from her as possible. So we worked well, i introduced her to some friends of mine, few social events here and there, you know because she was new in town and everything thing! Then after like 3 weeks of being cool and chatting about just abt everything, she started acting funny! She started pulling away, becoming cold, so angry and freaking annoying! So i pulled back too and bse am all for ‘meeting in the middle’ she wouldn’t come say hi as much, i felt somethign wrong, anyway, i wasn’t so bothered and ignored everything and kept things professional! That was it for like 2 wks.
Ahhh, why all these details?
Bottom line, i realised she’s just like every single other wh.ite person i’ve met! Predictably racist, you know the kind that thinks they’re cool w/ it and aren’t but deep down actually are! Effin’ hell. Anyway, to hell with all that shit because such kind are so fake, artificial and i’m just glad that i sensed it, my gut feeling told me that! Ugh. But honestly, am disappointed. The thing that confirmed it was a chat i had with another colleague who told me she felt exactly the same way! So i was just like, ah voila, it’s not me, it’s her! She has the problem.
Moral of the story being, i need to listen to my gut, it can’t lead me to wrong. So there you go. My gut shall make me RISE. ABOVE. SAIL THROUGH.

P.S - am supposed to meet her for dinner at the ‘project’ because i’d been promising to take her there since months now, so i thought i’d just get it over with!

Haha, so i went from preparing for G.MAT to reading recipes for making muff.ins and coo.kies! LOL. Those are my career options, lol. Am dead serious. I guess one could wonder why not do both? But am not 100% sure i plan to fully utilize an MB.A if i did one. Let me keep pondering on my options
In unrelated news, am baking tonight! Getting all my baking gear in order and heading to my pa’s to do some baking, lol. This might be the start of a very interesting turn in my career! Peace.

Ugh. it’s not the best feeling when you have just 5 hours sleep and have to be at work for 8 hours the next.

It’s even worse when you’re feeling worse at 8:15am and go for some coffee with milk and little sugar

It goes downhill when your tummy starts acting funny just before 10am and you feel like throwing up

Then come 1pm, you stuff yourself up to the teef with sweet potatoes, some spinach and some fried pla.ntain!

WHAT!

Seriously, that’s how my day’s been.

I have to draft an article for our PR office in NY to blog on the NY.T or Huffin.gton but i haven’t started - was meant to start this a.m but i can’t focus

Despite all these perks, am gonna shine! cool my head with some lemon water and shine some more

LOL

who am i kidding, it’s only 3:17pm and i am leaving, heading to the rest for a nap so am all fresh for the evening’s festivities which include my baby and I inhaling us some of the project, lol.

I need to resume my dictionary ways. My vocab needs a makeover, LMAO @ how many times i say “i do think it’s fine”

Twe.e.t, i have started and i love.

Yum, my bed in a bit.

Had brought all my stuff for yo.ga tonight but clearly sleep is getting in my way

I am happy

Shine girly, SHA-AAINNN!!!

LMAO

Think am gone, seriously!

I feel better, ugh. I need to blog normally, this whole sentence at a time thing is getting to me.

I NEED to travel soon, i do. I don’t care where to, just leave, go, somewhere, far, preferably! lol Routine hurts like a toof ache.

No kidding

Relax, i need to learn to do alot of chilling esp when the times get tough, just lay back and chill! Nah’mean?!

Yer, so as the title suggests, there isn’t much going on at work today. I’ve had 3 cups of coffee and some strawberry yogurt. I’ve on nosybook all morning, checked all my email accounts and its still not mid-day. Oh dear. I’m looking forward to him coming back today, with all the goodies for his 2 babies: the project and moi.

I’ve been having too many deja vus, i don’t get it.

Dreams. I am weird, seriously. LOL, these days i look forward to going to bed so that i can dream, am dead serious, lol. My dreams have been revealing alot to me. It’s almost scary.

Control food eater, i am. These days anyway.

Birds, sounds like they’re arguing tin their songs, lol. High pitch, then low, then higher, then higher, lol. Insanity.

Damn, hadn’t noticed that the boss wasn’t coming back, he took his laptop. That’s what it means almost always.

Awwww, Ush.er… ‘can you handle this, if i go there baby w/ u?’ LOVE IT.

Nephew. Can’t wait.

Was invited for a luncheon thing tomorrow, not sure if i’ll go, logistics of getting there and back are twisted.

Peaches. I crave.

“Can you handle it, can i go there baby with you”

The project needs help w/ gardening, think i might devote my weekend to that.

Clearly, i don’t have much to blog about. I should go.

Gone.

For the project advancing so well
For tomorrow being pay day
For the cup of hot water am sipping on
For life
For clarity
For happiness and not letting anything else on my mind
For great family
For my mother
For growing so much to appreciate her and see her as my teacher
For my dad coming back tomorrow and chatting with him
For me becoming an aunt soon
For God keeping my sis healthy and me knowing that everything between now and August will go just fine
For fresh air
For my bed
For the book am reading (wh.ite teef)
For freedom
For serenity
For my thoughts
For my kid brother
For me understanding that i need to tolerate him more eventhough he messes up too much
For the new job my 1 got
For the new friend i’ve made in Shan.ya my new colleague
For the writing skills am developing doing all these articles and actually getting over my phobia of having people read what i wrote
For love that i have yet to have as much of, but i appreciate what i do have and realise it’s baby steps and its progress
For laughter
For the bond me and my one share, he’s special
For my cousin getting married, tho i don’t still get the rush
For the sun coming out this cold morning
For this blog
For being alive, happy and healthy

THANK YOU GOD!

Listening to Jo.el Os.teen…

Sipping on some hot water, matter o fact, i got the tea lady to bring me a flask, so now i don’t have to keep getting up

I have a good feeling about this year, i just do

So i find out my cousin is getting married THIS year and i was with her less than 2 wks ago and she mentioned nuffin!

Sigh.

I think am learning to deal with disappointments better

Victory!! Baby! Ama shine.

Oh dear, i will rise baby, lol

I think i am getting better at just accepting ppl as they are, not try to change them or get them to think like i do.

It’s Thursday, i’m going to have a very relaxed wkd

My one is travelling to get stuff for the BIG project, yay!

I have started thinking too much about that project! i dream about it even! Ahh, it’ll be HUGE

My life is going just as i want to be, honestly

Sometimes i think about sooo many other things i could be doing at this point in my life like going back to sch to do my postgrad, getting another job and building a career that i love and want to do for the rest of my life, but then i realise that it just doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t feel like it’s my choice, what i feel like doing. So that’s why i think am doing what am supposed to be doing now, what i think i should be doing.

I am listening to Cold.play and i have never given them any of my time before and i love them! Very different and reminds me of uni because alot of people listening to them esp when i lived in halls - LOVING THE MUSIC!! Omg Clock.s just came on, lol, memories

I am off cheese until further notice

I pack beef strips to work, microwave them and they come out all grilled-looking - Yum-to the-E

Oh well.

I just pulled a me, LMAO! Why should i waste my time w/ true-friendship-py.gmies! Cannot be asked y’all! Don’t do rubber.

Why do people think i act older than my age, how is someone my age supposed to act? Going out clubbing every thursday, friday, saturday and sunday then go to work w/ hangovers, spend more time than i need to on figuring out outfits and actually caring, hanging out w/ random people. Hmph. I think NOT. I like me some serenity and sincerity - that to me means that i do what i feel like doing when i feel like it, regardless of what everyone else thinks i should be doing or is doing.

Ahhh Cold.play is really good, wow! Why have they been hiding form my radar?

It’s half 12 now, meaning lunch comes in half an hour, yay! I think am hungry, but i will eat moderately.

I really like my boss, he respects me and values me! That’s all i need from my employer.

I think i might take a U-turn in my career very soon

I love life and nature

Maybe i need to stop thinking about people and things that are not constructive, lol, that includes my boss’ bosses!

Whisper, whisper, whisper…

I don’t have anything else to write, so am going to stop here! until next time, peace, light and love!

So am reading this fab book called ‘ur err.o.neous zones’ and no it’s nothing to do w/ what ur thinking, it’s actually erroneous as in error? as in what keeps u from rising and shining! So i started it 2 nights ago and i literally felt elevated! The chapters i read so far are about controlling ur thoughts and understanding that you own ur thoughts and have the power to change so much in ur life just by changing ur thought processes, which is so true. Making sure ur thoughts are always loving and building ones. Anyway the other chapter talked about loving urself and the importance of loving u. I mean, i know i’ve read alot about the importance of self love, but i can’t say i have particularly mastered the act, i generally love me, but not at all time, so am working on having a conditional loving of me, even times when i feel disappointed in my actions! Like all the time, having a grounded basis of loving me regardless of the time or season. So that, am working on.
When i think about it, i know that deep down, i am a wonderful soul, i do and that’s what my focus should be all the time and even times when am in doubt and worry, i should understand that i am a good person, end of story, case closed, who’s next? So i plan to document regularly on my fabulousness. I don’t know if i need to get into the whole this isn’t an excuse to be vain or narcissist, it’s just me learning to love me first, so i won’t go there.

This blog is therapy, honestly. I donot realise it sometimes when i write but it really helps me whenever am in doubt/worry/fear… it gives me direction, it reminds me of things that are most important and reminds me to focus on them and just them. What i need to do is to make sure that i stop blogging about random/everyday things that aren’t positive. Yes, i can identify a prob when there’s one but as long as its not healing and just complaining, i should not blog about it.
Right, so the mind, i know, its so powerful, it really is.
So, this morning right, i am all ugh and stuff, focusing on fearful thoughts and it really does a damper on my mood and almost messes me up. I have noticed this happens when i start worrying, when i worry about little silly things. Then i get caught up in a tangled web of negativity and nonconstructive thinking, ugh! Anyway, so up until a coupla’ months ago… i never really understood how love, just love, when applied to almost any situation in life…. at work, family, just about anything really soothes things and makes things better! I read somewhere that just repeating the words love, love, love, whenever in doubt can be really good therapy. So am practising that As much of a cliche as this may sound, love really is everything so that’s my new mantra. I will guide all my thoughts to loving ones and when i am getting derailed by my mind, i’ll go back to love and i know because of the energy that comes with love, it’ll stick! before u know i’ll be all love and stuff. i love that.

I sit in my living room couch and so many thoughts run through my head. I took the day off today, because i had a cold, which is much better now, thanks to the strict six-hourly anti-biotics i’ve been taking. I am not usually one to give a cold this much care and attention but due to few friends getting really bad colds, to the extent of getting admitted, fever etc… i decided not to take any chances and sought treatment asap and decided not to go to work incase it got worse.
Anyhow, so back to the thoughts…
so, i have been thinking how i need to get my shit together -
Problem - why i get so nervous around people who are ’superior’ and by superior i donot mean high level type people, anybody who i feel is more accomplished and sorted than i am - anyone who’s got a tad bit than i do - i fail to find ground, can’t speak well, get all my words mixed up and spend more time wondering if am making sense instead of just saying stuff and stopping to doubt myself - actually that’s probably what the problem is, doubting myself! i doubt myself so much, i don’t think i am that smart, or that likable, that’s why i keep wondering alot and never really just put myself out there! Yuck. this really sucks, i need to fix myself and get my shit together - ugh!

Current thoughts and way forward- I know this whole sounds too ‘beneath’ me and i really should be passed this, but am speaking the truth here. I feel that way sometimes and i know its a part of me that requires healing, big time!
I like to think of myself as someone who pretty much puts myself out there, an open plate, with no preconceived thoughts or biases… i listen and say what i think. I think my prob is i get so caught in trying to impress people that i don’t want to ask more or seem a tad bit shallow. I know, i know, i sound too lame, but am just saying whats on my mind and seeking clarity and repairs for this unhealed part of me

Right, so the way i’d like to be, is basically embrace the idea that i donot need to know everything, i can always ask, actually i have found when we ask ourselves, questions, esp the very simple ones, the more enlightened we become.. You have to be convinced about an idea or a suggestion, if not then i need to ask and ask until i am FULLY there. So i need to accept and embrace questioning. Then, i also need to open up, not put up my guards all the time - just be, just join a convo w/ no pre-conceived notions of the people am talking to, in other words, with no FEAR. Just be all light about things and that way you move from doubting yourself to being involved and hence more productive! So that’s my task - i need to STOP FEARING. Just live lightheadedly and let things be. Worrying and negative doubting thought processes move me further away from the light and are only caused by fear. So, i def need to get that bit covered!

1) I drink way too much water than the average female my age
2) I love lighting - in any place i feel the right lighting has a huge influence on the general mood and ambiance
3) I plan to become a yoga instructor at some point in my life (hopefully before am 35)
4) I love baking, cooking and plan to start a catering business or have a small pastry/sandwich shop
5) In my family, i am closest to my father than my mother, but recently i am making conscious efforts to be more closer to my mum because i need that, esp as i step into womanhood
6) Strawberry cheesecake is my fav dessert
7) I hate saloons, i hate typical things that women do e.g. spend hours doing their nails, makeup w/ the exception of shopping. If i have enough money and in the right mall, i could go on for hours
8) I love my kid bro like he were my own, almost like maternal love?
9) I used to read random people’s blogs and follow them regularly - now, not so much
10) I think way more than i should and i have it in my plans to reduce and possibly stop compulsive thinking
11) I think i am a conscious being having a human experience
12) I live in my own world, with my own terms and references and have stopped being bothered by whether or not it is considered the ‘cool’ thing or not by externalties
13) After reading ‘the art of racing’ i think too much about what goes on in dogs’ minds
14) My idea of a perfect friday night would involve a 60-minute swim right after work, a good book, my room, right lighting, praline chocolates (loads)
15) I heat up juice and listen to books
16) In the face of adversity, simply closing my eyes and breathing really does make me feel better, i think i need to do this more often
17) I used to doubt and question myself a lot - not as much anymore, one day, very soon it’ll be out of the window
18) I love nature and appreciating it - consciously, i love looking at blue skies and little insects - going on their business like they’re the shit, lol! Esp ants carrying food. I am amazed at how birds weave their nests w/ just about any twig or the like. Also, the sound of birds, i have a bird that i named ‘attention lover’ that raises its voice when i tune off slightly, lol. I like to think there’s a connection somehow
19) I have started sleeping late - used to be in bed at 8pm most nights but that was because i was still catching up on the many sleep-deprived nights i had in my last yr of uni
20) I think i might do some stage related work at some point in my life, still revamping the attention loving me that once lived. Actress, singer, speaker? don’t know. Would love to get rid of fear of public (more than 1 person) speaking through this plan
21) I strongly believe my dad’s the smartest and coolest dad that ever lived
22) I think/wonder so much about what people think about me and have only realised that’s my role to put what i’d like to reflect out there.. so creation in the process
23) I love chocolates w/ Mint, Praline, Peanuts in them
24) I believe when i am 30, i will be doing all the things i love to do because i am working on them already
25) I wonder what i’ll know and do when i am in my fourties because i know so much already about life, its issues, friendships,you name it… i got it all down. Perhaps it can only get better and i’d have mastered it all and be set for whatever comes my way whenever
26) I am working on my internalties because it’s just gotta be right before i can get answers from there, answers that i can trust
27) My honey,combbuttercupblueberrymuffin is the bestest that ever lived, seriously! Lawd, how lost i’d be if i’d never met you
28) I believe in a just world, a war free world and hope my children’s children get to see one, it starts w/ my fundraising and advocacy efforts today
29) Love to me is the answer to any problem in the entire world
30) I speak 3 languages fluently and a 4th averagely

Just read a previous post where i was simply describing what my inner feelings were and thought if i made it a habit to document my feelings, i might get more clarity, insight and be more in tune and AWARE of my inner mechanics. That way, i’d be able to carefully select the thoughts that enrich and heal me and hit delete on the shady negative and nonconstructive thoughts/feelings.

Ok, so today on MFN

I feel clean, i feel fresh. Its almost 10am and i still feeling rejuvenated from seeing a new day, the little bit of yoga i did, the hot shower i had and the nice cup of lemon and ginger tea i had when i got to the office. Because of a very unhealthy argument/confrontation i had w/ my mum on sunday… i still feel anger towards her, but i know thats my choice to choose how i’ll process the way she dealt w/ things that day. So i need to just release and breath and look beyond it. From the long catching up i did w/ him, i feel so blessed to have him in my life, we talked about that and are truly grateful for having each other, for sharing what we share, for being the best of friends and simply doing things w/ consideration of the others’ feelings. I think what has made loving him so much easier is because i have learnt to always, before i do something, think about 1st, would i do/say it if he was there and 2nd, would i like him doing/acting this way if he were in my shoes? For me, this has worked and made it much much easier for us to get along better and have fewer silly fights.
Asides that, am also thinking about how best to handle this gerl who just keeps repeating the same mistakes and is impatient w/ the way things work around here. I don’t know. I try to think that maybe it’ll go but whenever we meet, its all complaints and i was only able to put up w/ it at first, now its wearing me down and i don’t need that energy anywhere near me. Bse it means i have to empathize and listen and try to understand and shiee like that.

Let me stop here,bse i might loose track of what am doing.

Ahhh oui, it’s sports time! La, i love it. This week went by so fast, don’t even know how it got to friday so fast, oooouu wi! Anyway, i have a cold that i have been pushing pushing away from me, it’s not fully come am sure this is due to my healing resistance. I am in love, with my new attitude, with my consciousness… with my path towards a healed and whole person! love it. Ra. I don’t think i’ll swim bse the weather is she-e (shitty in coc.kney) - might go to the steam, but really, do i think spending the last 3k i have there is a smart decision? think not. Anyway, so let me search my drawer, might find some money there. 1 sec. Nope, nada. Shit, damn. What to do. Ahem.
Moving on
I think i think a bit too much about food, some habit that needs to go, along with thinking at all. But the food should go first, kind of like the chicken and the egg scene, remember when that happened? Ha.
What would the world be like without questions? imagine how laid back and easy going things would be, no sweat. lol, but how backward as well? Hmm. Am confused. Does that count as a question? Well i know that does.
Right, so confidence, non-consumable thought, books, warmth and a new closet are what i need, from this day forward.
LOL
i do crack myself up, i seriously do. Was reading archives, well 1st off, been 4 yrs since i started blogging! Cannot believe it actually caught, bse this was like the 5th blog i started and thought it’d be one of those. OH thee, self-doubter. Shake, shake it off! Well, well… so the archives totally crack me self. They do, lol. I keep schooling myself on me. Lovely.
Do i need to go into a whole paragraph of how am not narcissist, but just learning to love me and appreciate my flaws? i think now. so moving on.
Omg, i totally saw… peeped a colleague’s back today during lunch, tis haiiiiiry! damn. ohhh dear, i fear for him. So whats it like when he’s showering, like does he use soap on his back, or does he shampoo it? like w/ conditioner too and all. Oh lawd. Forgive me for i have been bad.
What!
I got me a yog.a mat, liking it! Done yoga once on it tho, and i thought. Anyway, self doubter, off u pop. I shall practise yo.ga, often - still plan to be a y.oga teacher, seriously! love the idea, goes so much w/ me. Its so me. Wow.
Ok, so as much as i’d love to continued blabb.ing, actually scratch that, this is real talk, i have to find a way out of here. My current financial situation doesn’t allow me to just catch a cab, shit having no money totally strips u off ur freedom, but then again, am i not a firm believer in the free things being the best ones? i think so. So let me enjoy it - could walk there even… she-e!
Friday nice. Weekend better. Peace plenty.
Out am i!! ! ! ! ! !!

Peace, serenity, clarity, purity of thought, water, colours, flowers, detox, nature, animals, breeze, rainfall, ocean, wood, trees, lol…. these all define my state of mind… the things that occupy my stream of thoughts. A new year is here, to me its pretty much such a symbol and alot of fuss. As a new-yearly tradition, like most, i like to think through the past year and give plenty thanks for what most would see as failures and of course successes! I haven’t done that consciously yet, but thats because i’ve been planning to do so on here
In 08, i had plenty radical moments in the sense that i thought about leaving my job and joining an org that would give me alot more challenging work and start off with a technical job as opposed to here where i started off as more admin and basic work but do get to do plenty technical work though that’s not my primary pre-occupation. I thought about going to grad school to do an MB.A and was really convinced about that, atleast thats what i thought until i looked a little deeper and realised it wasn’t coming from the right source and therefore i couldn’t listen to it. Few highlights of the year include:

my si.s getting hitched…. ahh, a beautiful moment - i remember all the excitement around planning it, the ups, downs, the confusion, the emotions etc… specifically picking out her dress, choosing the wedding colours, decor, endless TSN wedding shows, reading and pretty much mastering the quadzillion wedding mags we had at home, ahhh it was bliss, know how much of a girly girl i can be, i loved it all and can’t wait to plan another wedding, either for a close friend or for myself, even then ofcourse something that i think will always stay in my heart is after all the frustration that was going on in the reception venue and ended up spending way too much time arranging bse i know how much the bride wanted the reception to be superbly decorated, so we went to church about 10 mins b4 the service was to start and the bride and groom had arrive and this was my first time seeing her in her gown all dressed and ready to take the deep plunge… and i suddenly burst out into tears, i got so emotional and till this day still do whenever i think about it! The wedd.ing went REALLY REALLY well, ofcourse i loooked fi.re hot and so did the reception and everyone else, it was very well organised and wow, just super. I was too busy running up and down checking w/ the caterers, dj, ensuring people are well attended to but towards the end, i got to sit and enjoy! The bride and groom were sooooo thankful and said they couldn’t have asked for a better day! They loved it. My one was extremely useful and supportive that day and wow, he’s a good one, not that i wasn’t already aware, but that re-assured me!

Trip down to the A.tizzle to check on my oldie was good, very quiet and peaceful time… enjoy the serenity and the whole being in a different country and having not a worry in the world, i got to re-bond w/ him and loved it. He’s a good man, i love him.

Me and my one sort of re-becoming us, this started towards the end of the year, we stopped having endless arguments and resumed simply loving, phewww… we had a rough time at the beginning but we pulled through, nevertheless. I strongly believe we are love, we redefine friendship and soulful bonding. I love him w/ all the love i have.

At.kns doing me right and showing me a me, i’d not imagined i could be, wow… hail proteins and to.the.lef.t carbs! Seriously, though post-we.dding i went back to re-carbing and sort off went down hill up until now, lol… meaning i have resumed being carb-free and simply breathing and laying back

The big V idea came up this year and i have a strong feeling about its roll out in mid-09, i really do. Right now, i am doing plenty background research work and assessing the need for it and getting ready for the big plunge!

This year pretty much felt like a taking-a-step-back year for me, i didn’t want to rush things and felt the strong need to just be me and do only what feels right in my soul - i kicked pe.erpre.ssure to the curb and haven’t looked back, when i feel like hanging or doing things that involve others i do, when i don’t, i simply don’t. I sort of got a revelation to be comfy with me as i am, i now understand that people need to take you as you are regardless of your similarities or the lack.
I did an immense spiritual leap and its all gotten clearer to me than it ever has, i listened to plenty PD and read alot. Yes, reading is another thing that was a good step this year, i got back into the habit and read a pile of books on a variety of topics, ofcourse, some were memorable, others weren’t. In the beginning, they had an impact on me and got me slightly too indulged in the sense that i was trying to relate a bit too much to the characters and see things through their eyes, lol… but i regained my balance and became a bit picky about what i read. Looking out mostly for uplifting books, biographies and plain chilled out books, lol.

Workwise, things definately improved this year, i got to do plenty plenty technical work and love it. My boss remains truly an inspiration and i am thankful for working for him. I am still a bit put off by the fact that the impact of our work is still not very visible, i think i just want the process to move faster. I don’t know, i just wish i could see results directly - but it all comes down to life in the sou.th always being dependent on funds from western donors… grrhh and spending hours and hours doing reporting, proposals and silly things when alot more constructive work could be done implementing! Anyhow.

Friends - i met an amazing man and his wife in 08, they came to work w/ us for 6 months, for starters i just want to note how much he wanted alot of info b4 their arrival, he scheduled weekly calls w/ us asking for details on evrything possible, i liked that, though it was tiring, it definately was a good habit. Then, ofcourse he was the one to work with us, but he brought his wife w/ him! that to me was so cute. He was super smart and we had a number of chats together and he was encouraging me to move on from my job, get something more challenging, because am young and was really smart and could do so much better, he and his wife left such a huge mark in my life and i will forever be grateful to them. They were wonderful and simply good people. Loved it.

Me becoming aunt is another highlight of the year, i will always remember the feeling that went through me when sis told me she was expecting, such a beautiful thing, really is.

Growing w/ my mum and seeing the best in her is another blessing of 08, i have learnt to accept her as she is and accept that we don’t always have to agree on things and i don’t always have to air out my feelings, i just accept whatever she says and don’t have to necessarily say i disagree, just be cool. She’s fab and just like everyone is work in progress, i just need to see her as human and not superwoman!

Generosity - i did get a huge chance to show my generousity and when it came, i recognised it and did what i would normally first complain about and overanalyse. I gave.

Major thing i have learnt is to surrender. Let nature/universe/God handle things. I also learnt the beauty that is stopp.ing thought and the peace it arises, whenever i catch my thoughts straying and being ruled by fear (which to me means, judgement, jealousy any form of threat) i stop it. This has been amazing and is something i’d like to master in 09. I also learnt more about love and how love really is key and the solution to many problems! LOVE< LOVE

Overall, 08 was magical… it got me me and alot more. I loved it and am so thankful for all it brought my way and to still be here, healthy and able to do the things that i want to.

Hahaha, i crack myself up! Seriously. Before i get into details, let me say i was thinking of changing my blog domain name to mylifemychoice! Raaahhh, that’s sooo on point. Doubt this frigger will allow anyhow! So, I declare from this moment on this blog of mine shall be name mylifemychoice…

Now that that’s over, i was saying:

Lately, well more like from monday i.e. 2 days ago… i got all excited about doing a masters degree, i mean i got in deep… completing forms, seeking scholar.ships and shiiieee, as in all in! I was doing some research for my motivat.ion letter, downloaded pages and pages of info and even took it home with me to study and even studied in between watching bros and sis on tv! Ehhh, the mind, the mind. So then, somehow it hit me that just like i’d previously been unsure about what i wanted to study i.e. still question why i need a masters, i was still there - unsure why! Why must i go back to school, why do i need a masters given all my plans and shiieee, i know i don’t want to work for people all my life… want to be self employed and do my thang and thats about it. So while i was still wanting to return to school and all, i was thinking M.BA shieee, i was looking at LB.S and the likes… but i realise there was conflict within, i was still unsure! I hadn’t convinced myself fully that that was what i wanted, it didn’t feel right within! I mean, this is a grand decision and i should zero doubts. Anyway, so scratch all the M.BA chat and resume my usual stream of thought which involves the cup of black tea and honey am about to devour! And think about the charity function am planning for an orphanage this Saturday. Ahhhhh, i love my life and love how much clarity i have these days, in the olden days i would have totally continued with the MB.A stash and gone ahead to a whole new step in ma vie that i don’t even think i want to be part of, ya know?! Now, i can be honest with my self, do things for the right reasons and do things that feel right to my soul. Simple. Things/life could really that simple.
Coming back to the blog title, M.BA eiiiii? eiiii?? A la Hom.er Simp! Walllllevaaa

Am out and totally need to do a whole blog on spirituality, i’ve been slacking for the past coupl’a days

Peacity!

You are wonderful, you are beautiful, you are soulful and you have a pure heart… you doubt youself sometimes, but you have no reason to bse you are smart and you know very well what your purpose in life is i.e. love! you battle so much when tough times come and need to realise that the truth lies inside you, as much of a cliche as this sounds but it’s true… you have all your answers always become silent when the world is on full speed… stay silent, close your eyes, take deep breaths in and listen to you - you meaning, your true essense i.e. your heart… ignore your ego which only cares about your self importance which is so irrelevant. Always cold your head and listen to your heart, you’ll never go wrong. I am amazed at how spiritual you get each day, you eagerness for peace of mind, for a purpose, for not settling for less than what’ll trully satisfy you, for wanting to always go the extra mile to grow you mind and soul… i tell you something self, you are not wrong in rejecting peer pressure, you are very right in doing whatever feels good in your soul even if it’s just staying home on a saturday night to lay fresh sheets on your bed, or listen to some india or meditate.. thats your joy, you define fun, you redefine cool and so worry not about the external pressures you might face… just stay yourself, do you! I love you sooooo much and i know right now as i write that you are on the right path, the path that’ll gain you clarity, love, compassion, truth, end of suffering and peace! So go ahead and never doubt yourself, never judge the things that happen to you, always remember you are response-able and if you respond positively, you get closer to the light, which is ultimately peace. Follow you dreams, let love always guide you, listen and strain your ears to listen to that small silent whisper whenever you are faced with a tough choice. Fix yourself, fix your relationship with your family bse that just shows you have alot of healing to do… bse when we’re with family, we are 100% ourselves… so quit being good to the world and not good to your own kin, that means you’re only half way through your journey towards peace, beautiful and enlightenment. I wish you silence, i wish you love, i wish you always listen to your essense for you’ll never go wrong.
I love you, self, i do and i know you’re exceptional and will change the world, by being the change agent i.e. being the change you wanna see.

Peace, clarity, light, silence, calm, healthfulness, purity, water, calm breaths, stillness…

Woooot! heart ku.ti to die… serious… lmao at the lyrics, ahh good stuuuff! Just read a previous random post which cracked me up… goooiii, now i see why i blog, so i can craack myself up in 10yrs time, to understand my state of mind evolution, too entertaining. Omg, i have totally grown within a week, i mean i understand how dramatic that sounds, but wait. Changed for the better, you know my whole obsession with self betterment of me? Right, so that. I mean, i listened to some good ol’ wayne… well, remind…shhhrrrrr… right, so i had a little mishap w/ him and i was all defensive and shit eventhough i should surely know by this stage we aren’t based on who said what, and who didn’t do what, but we’re more about response i.e. if shit happens to you, how do you deal w/ it? you know? Like basically, u can’t control the events that unfold in ur life… or how others will treat u, but you can choose how you’ll respond, which ultimately takes u closer to the light or further away, which, oiii trust me, u don’t wannna go - the latter i.e. Anyhoooooo, so we had a small tiny misunderstanding and i was being all att-full and basically letting my ego rule me… shit freaking ego, i hate u! Anyway, so i snobbed him and felt i deserved an apology anyway, so he didn’t and i’d call and hang up after like the 2nd ring bse i felt he should also make an effort to reach (again, ego making me super impo) anyhooo, so i wasn’t REALLY trying to reach him, it was more like ok, it’s lunch “try call” so i can have that checked on my to-do list and ofcourse bse my intention wasn’t very clear, shiiitt could tell…. damn metaphysics, this stuff works like mad! He could feel the truth or lack-of in my attempts to reach him and he didn’t pick… so anyway after like an entire day, he calls in the a.m and he goes, how are you, basically like he’d forgiven me and wanted us to move on… so i was pretending to be cool but ofcourse that stuff doesn’t last and i eventually start talking about in very detailed way how things unfolded and how he’s to blame and shit (1 THING I NEED TO LEARN IS TO NOT DWELL IN PAST, FOCUS ON THE NOW… TRYING TO UNDERSTANDING WHY WHAT HAPPENED IN THE PAST DOESN’T CHANGE MUCH MAN) ofcourse i realise there are exceptions and shiee but this is just a note to self, i get what i mean… anyway so to cut a long story short short, he ends up telling me he doesn’t know who he’s talking to - ofcourse it was me ego thats why and i said i’d call him back… so i thought about and decided to just listen to my heart and the ‘tiny voice’ and that instant i got it, i know it was my response that caused things to turn out that, had i chosen to call him him continuously and text to just try fix things and SEND LOVE bse times like those are when i need to get off my high defensive horse, get down to earfff and just do the right thing
Anyhow, so that ofcourse reminded how far back i am from the light y’all and that ish hurt like iodine! so i’ve been getting a kick outta’ some wayne, tolle and the likes and it’s getting me at the right spot! its all sinking in perfectly, almost like now’s the time to sort things once and for all esp after the “i am getting tired of teaching you” incident…. gotta do this by my self and NOW! Answers are within me, i can’t get anybody to tell me what to do or advise me, - gotta fix me, myself bse then i know i can’t go wrong esp if it’s from my heart - again, love and good old ‘right and wrong’ theories are to maintained. last nite had chat with me darling little boy boy and i was telling him how he needs to always listen to his heart bse it’ll never mislead him and will always get him on the right path… and he had some very god questions, that kid never seizes to amaze me bse he’s super smart… Gosh, i adore him to tiny intty bitty pieces So i got it all in folks… it’s me sorting me out and being a better person.
meanwhile the mind, omg, the mind is soooo freaking powerful, so i started also learning to disassociate myself with the things that happen to me and not blame me for them and just accept them and people as they are and just give/show them love always, so i had dinner with a friend of a friend who when i 1st met, i thought was simply amazing i.e. sweet, kind hearted, genuine and gorgeous, but after having a chat with someone and they thought she was totally pretensious and envious, i started seeing that and i think ofcourse she could sense it bse i think i am blessed some sort of diability to pretend.. so whenever i was around her, i was unable to even look her in the eye, was just dwelling on the impurity i thought she oozed… ofcourse here’s a good e.g. of how looking on the outside for answers doesn’t give u the right answers bse few nigths back in the a gathering of friends, she comes and i has a totally different att towards her and i totally re-clicked with her, i saw what i 1st saw in her… damn u mind! That was a sign and i simply going to continue heal things around me with my heart via my mind and re=purify me…. beautiful thing! Ding dong folly wang fang hung ha….

Clarity y’all!!

I just finished reading a book that has moved me and i know has changed my life forever. It’s a book called on Morrie, about 100 pages with very straightforward message. I think of Morrie as my dear friend - he’s explaining to his former student the true meaning of life and best believe none of it included a new iPh.one or latest fashion from DK.NY… the meaning of life was found in the most basic things that ALL humans, be it the richest man in the world or the poorest man in a remote village in a developing country all have - LOVE, COMPASSION. That to him was what being fully human was all about, be able to not think about mistakes you made in the past but just focusing on how to improve yourself NOW, this moment, because “life is the moment we’re living now” - he advises his student who is very wealthy and living his ‘ideal’ life, with a perfect convertible, real estate, beautiful wife, great job… but Morrie tells him he’d never find happiness in that… he’d only find happiness in giving back to the community and being at peace within! Ahhhh, i loved it, i felt like the book came into my life at the right time, i read alot of spiritua.l and personal devpmt books, but none of them have had such clarity… i think i also opened up to it more because it was a true story and the way the book was written… simple format and basic everyday language. Also because it was a dialogue… one i can picture myself having this conversation - it all went in right to perfect spot in me… and i will forever remember the impact this book had on me… i am positive i will read it over and over again over the years and have sent all my close friends a copy and will follow up with them to make sure that they read it. I want it to have a similar impact in their lives.

I am now applying the lessons i learnt from morrie in my daily life, i find myself very open to people now, more tolerant and want to make sure i live by a new quote i wrote that was inspired by Morrie: “True is not just loving those that are easy to love, but loving those that are hard to love” - thats the trouble i’ve always had - i only like people that are easy to love, which make me question where i fall, i would most likely say 70% that i am hard to love at the moment, and that will not change until i become more loving to those that aren’t easy to love i.e. by pushing a bit harder and further and making an extra effort to get through to people and show them some love. I think somewhere in there lies the answer to so many of my questions and complications i face in life. I need to start loving those that are hard to love and that will make me easy to love… I want to be able to say and genuinely mean it that i love ALL of humankind, not just the random love, but true and compassion towards all human kind i.e. even the ‘outcasts’ of society, those who killed in genocides, pedophi.les etc… i wanna open my heart to loving all people thats my new task! LOVE.

Oui, je viens de fini mon cafe! Ahhhh, french. The light grey top am wearing makes me sweat a lot. I put on plenty deo this morning but still, it’s only 10 in the am and i got sweat. ssshhhiiishhh
Mais, lets see what i’ve been up to lately… been ummm busy trying to find the future home of chocolate, ahhh its not been easy. Found the IDEAL location but when it came to signing the contract and paying, the landlord started acting up which REALLy messed us up. Anyway, so he’s supposed to give us a finaly answer today, i pray it works out and whatever the end result, i hope we deal with it the right way.
Work has been very slow lately, been quite unbusy, but dealing with it right. I have been doing some self tutoring on an accounting software, been researching on the BIG business idea for summer next year… so yeah, can’t complain, afterall, everything happens for a reason
I refuse to support ob.am.a because he’s black! i refuse to care about the american elec.tions eventhough it’s rubbed on my face each morning, against my will. I donot care! Nothing.
My family been okay, mum’s still acting her usual self, i refuse to try change her to suit me, instead, am changing my responses to how she acts. I realise that by responding negatively to her, i am no different, so let me different and RISE ABOVE ahhh feels good, i tell ya. Bro’s still being his usual self too, alot of drama with him and he’s behaviour, my higher self tells me that there’s a lesson for us in there… for me it’s probably just a warning of the harms of alcohol and giving me reasons why i should NEVER think of ever touching it again.
Am digging me some ku.ti music…. eiiishh, dat pidgin is heavy, damn! Been watching gray’s too… too deep, lol…. laughter galore. I especially enjoy when they go into the personal lives of the surgeons and how they’re all fucked up, lolll… no fairy tale stories, the way some episodes wind out just kills me, bse its so real… their relationships, their responses, how messed up their minds are. hahahha! Also been reading plenty, right now reading 100 days of sol.itude and it’s wicked…. kinda long but good, once i resume reading its hard to put it down. Its cross generations and the names are very similar so i do get confused but it’s aight… right now am half way and eventhough its hard to put it down, it’s slow, i want to know the point… but i guess probably towards the end… still haven’t gotten the a ha! am searching for.
The hot choc i had the past 2 nights has been really good, never paid attention to hot choc, but am impressed. Can’t wait for the nxt time i go back for more… LOL… am serious!
Just finished talking to my aussie colleague and she’s sweet, very sweet. Talking about the bra project that she thinks i should head here, i think it’s tight, very tight… also she mentioned her friend who visits orphanages once in a while and take food to them and spend time with them, so i told her to put us in touch. I think we need to make regular trips to orphanages and make a small but oh so meaningful (to these kids) trips - think quarterly visits could work, i mean once every 3 months is not so bad. So she’s going to put us in touch with them. Am happy
Health - i need to go the dentists soon, keep planning to ask for an appointment but i never get around to going. I also need to do a full body check up… need to use all the services seeing us we now have a good insurance plan… wohoooo!
I should probs stop here, seeing as, i am minus stories to raconte….
peace out

Wonderful man you are dear Uncle. I refuse to speak of you in past tense because i know you are here and very much alive, just not physically. I was almost born in your home, lol and you never stopped telling me that. Then you gave me a local name that meant “princess” you were easy going and had a life of your own, you refused to conform to societal expectations and did you own thing. Your deep intelligence, your refusal to tolerate mediocrity in any form or shape - true intellect you are. May your soul rest in peace. Yesterday at your funeral service, all people talked about was your hard work and dedication to lecturing the children of this nation. you were a proud university professor, passionate about what you did and worked relentlessly towards educating our people. You fought for what you felt was going to be build our country and develop it.

Beautiful soul, you have - Dear uncle. I remember looking forward to holidays because most of them we’d spend at yours, though it was a very long ride to get to yours, about 9 hours i think, by road… but i felt nothing during those trips because i knew i’d get to see you and you would spoil me and my siblings rotten. Chocolates, biscuits you name, you’d bring those home almost every evening. Your laughter really reflected your soul, lol, i can almost hear it, that loud laugh that is let out in little breaks, and you’d be trying to talk at the same time and then of course if it was a really good laugh you’d have tears rolling down your eyes. I can picture it now, lol, you sat on your couch in your living room or sat at the Olympiad bar, lol… awww

One of the few people i’d always be sure to write to whenever someone was traveling to your town… and you would always reply, don’t recall the contents very thoroughly but i know you would always encourage me to study hard at school and tell me the importance of school. I remember the letters would be written in black with a nice and fancy fountain pen… true intellect i tell you i remember your signature at the end of each letter, you signed your full name, always, which was rare for our people, since they all prefer fancy signatures that have little of no connection to their names, lol… including me, though mine does have my names in it, but in a rather discreet fashion.

True patriot - you are dear Uncle: And then talks about our beautiful home, you would always tell us how we have a beautiful nation was and how beautiful its people are and you would go and on about home. Of course us having been born in a foreign land, and being so young i felt little for my home because i knew little about it, i had never been. When we did return home in 96, with you and my family in the same flight all the way home… the joy you felt/showed was indescribable… you felt at home, you were proud to be here, very excited to speak our mother tongue and just be in the presence of your people, our people…
Your love for your country was manifested in the work you did, training young people to having a better future, to work hard, to never settle for anything less than the best, ofcourse some students didn’t like your rather forward nature with them, but you only did that because you truly cared and felt the only way they would learn best was by you being strict on them

You honesty, Uncle, lol… made you a truly unique being! You spoke you mind even at times when others would not due to fear or out of common politeness, you said what you felt and stood by it, am sure i witnessed a couple of people getting offended by your words, but you told what you felt and never held back, a quality that very few have and i truly admire in you. You never thought of the consequences of your words because you knew the very old cliche oh-so well “the truth shall set you free” and free you are today, in the presence of all those who your loved and laughing, lol, that laugh

I am sorry i never made an effort to get to know you better once we returned home, school, growing up, working and just dealing with daily life’s issues could be excuses i could come up with but that would not be the whole truth. Effort was what i lacked, i made no effort to visit you, or call you atleast once, even when you fell ill, (God forgive me, please) i didn’t visit and i ask for you apologies. I am truly sorry and i know my lesson is somewhere in this experience and i am all open hands to receive it. Please forgive me. I am very sorry.

You are my hero, uncle, you really are. I take with me you love for books, your love for intellectual growth, your honesty, your love for helping others, your love for education, your being selfless, your big heart and your love for children

May your soul rest in eternal peace and you will always have a VERY special place in my heart. I know i will see you one day but for now, you are here, i know - just not physically!

I LOVE YOU, UNCLE!

In no particular order:

- Th.ink and G.row Ri.ch — reading it now, still on 1st chapter but i can already feel the power of its contents and how they’re getting transmitted straight to my brain, am feeling them, the time is ripe for me to automatically get what he means when he say think and grow– magical experience going on here…

- Op.rah last sunday on the Car.negi Me.llon prof who’s got pancre.tic cancer, at like the worst/last stage — talking about how he’s dealing with it and prepared his ‘last lecture’ and it was on his childhood - dreams, aspiraitions etc… he has 3 young kids all under 6 yrs old i think and has been told he has little over 6 months to live… he determined to be the guy who’ll go back to the doctor’s and they’ll tell him they don’t know how it happened but the cancer is gone, and i believe him. He can use his mind to cure it

- Same Op.rah show, a woman with cancer who is living life to the max, eating well, exercising and determined to beat it.. very deep stuff. Wrote a book called “Cra.zy, Se.xy, Can.cer” comon now, doesn’t that title say it all… ahhhhh

- My brother, his beautiful flaws, my family’s response to them — lesson in there somewhere, i keep telling myself. I try to keep the faith and know my prayers/thoughts will manifest themselves, i need not give up now… i need to hang in there a little bit and have a little more faith.

- My mind… seems like everything in life comes down to good old “as you think, so shall u be” am beyond amazed at that. Not just spiritual texts, business ones, medical ones, life in general, things we experience, wow… could it really be that simple, you might ask yourself. But, no. First of all, getting yourself to think the right thoughts ALL the time isn’t easy. Also, know what the right thoughts are… because really, as you think so you’ll be. What think grows/expand, focus your thoughts on negative things, they’ll expand and that’ll literally be the story of your life, focus on positive ones and that’s what you’ll attract. It makes me wonder, if this simple ‘magic’ will ever be the reality of all humanity, like they’d all at some point know how to attract things through use of their minds… wow, what a cool world that would be! Seriously. I mean, thought of a poor teenager living in a refugee camp somewhere in su.dan… really can they think themselves out of that? or a starving wife? Answer is yes, i think they can. Seriously.

Right, i shall stop here for now and do a couple of these… i really look forward to reading these posts much much later in life, maybe 10 yrs time or even better in a year’s time… if you know what i mean? lol

Light y’all…

yer yer, am well… have had like 3 min snicke.rs and ro.lo bars, like 12 malteser balls and some fish. Ahhh, life is good when it involves plenty of chocs — things been giddy up baby, giddy up! all dop a dop super fly like a butterfly! lol. Just downed another cuppa rolo… tee hee! Got me a new pair of shooezies yesternite… love em, black, everyday work comfy! wearing them now mattter of fact. Been up to quite alot lately, new directions, sharper dynamics, plentiful analysis on my where next-to-be. Think i’ve figured it out of sorts, not thinking sch no more, thinking work, work, work, for me. Loads and tons of plans folks. It looks too pretty from where i stand, loooking down on the next 4 yrs of my life, beautiful, colourful, smiley, cheers, chocolate, calming, sensational… lol. only those meant to shall. Dadadadada. I need to have a longer chat with my father, the very special part of me. Had a chat this sunday with him for about 1 hour, it was beautiful, he never seizes to inspire me and see the best me in me. 2nd bite of rolo… loro, roll, orll… ahh am good. Too good infact for my own greatness…lol, ok, sense, i need ur presence.
Right, so new directions, realisations and all that crap.. it’s as divine as the last as.da cheesecake i had 2 yrs ago. Details next post.
over the past couple of weeks, had a cousin get married, was maid… eat plenty cake, got some psycho stalker… ok, nothing that serious, but he sent me flowers to work, gifts, texts etc… i sent them all back and never replied to him and now its died down, phew! Have another wedding this weekend, not maid, but serving, the high table. Started re-believing in horo.scopes, they tell the truth sometimes, matter of fact, 1 sec, let me see if today’s is saying i’m over indulging in chocolates and have not so much on my desk… brb > it says “You’ve been saving something for a special occasion, but you can’t wait any longer. Today is special enough!” hmmm, not sure what they mean there! kinda lost to be honest, yeah been trying not to eat too much bse am wearing a tight dress on sato for the wedding.
business has been doing fab, worked all weekend registering new mo.dels etc…was fab learning alot for the next directions.
i am indeed a good person…u know how u get a funny taste in ur mouth when u’ve eaten wayyyy too much choc or sugary things? thats me right now, but i ain’t stopping.
Next monday is a holiday its gonna be a long long long wkd, i only started watching greys and heart it so far, on s1 e5 i think, getting s2 before the weekend. Ahhh, been doing plenty of reading lately, fun thing to do. I hadn’t realised how much i missed reading. plenty wonderful books, one that stands out is about my dear friend, Kenz.o too beautiful on top of my fav reads at the mo. A boo.k club opened so attending for the first time in 2 weeks time, got 3 friends and him coming, beautiful thang i must admit! lavit…
got a new laptop, levono, lol… like it, love the large screen, perfect for filims… been to light on me, doing way too much carbs… past 2 weeks gone to the gym weekly, not bad… weights and aer.obics. Looks like the boss is stepping out early again today. very perfect, means i can grey a bit. what does anatomy mean? biological term for human body, let me look it up, brb. well was close, it apparently means “the scientific study of the body and how its parts are arranged” —
ok as usual:
us: excellent, growing growing in la. he outta town at mo, in lon.don town — chilling, literally i.e. getting me a multicoloured mwarab.o scarf.
fam: gr8, on mission to consciously include bro in plans and all, he had some rare emotional deficiency and we have some rare issue of not being very tolerant of x. So we’re looking to do so very consciously and see. X got probs with shakin, its bad, really bad, gives my mum a bad heartache and old man too, and dammit us too! So apparently following recent talk with father, he’s quitting, lets hope for the best.
friends: scarce right now, everyone doing their things, heading in their own directions just like me, we cool tho when we get the time to talk and all
work: work. period. work. get paid and chill evenings

outta here.

Yeah i know, right? its been a while, i have had alot going on in my life and work’s been hectic being mid-year and all. Am well and a bit off track on the At’s side of my life and trying to catch up with my route to authen.tic empowe.rment!
Everyone in my life is doing fairly well, a is great, we are great! Fam is fab and all… just have a bad headache right now that started on friday and its sunday a.m dammit! arrgghhh! I’m thinking its fatigue since i’ve been sleep deprived for a min. Am checking out uni websites to get more info on MBA progs… thinking i just might get lucky and get a scho.larship! wohooo…! Still questioning why i need a masters, wouldn’t i rather invest that money into starting a business, hmmmmm! So many questions, so many decisions to be made with regards to my career! Dunno man. Ahhhrggg! I’ll stop here, need to try and rest man, later x

JUST READ THIS SOMEWHERE…

Evaluating Our Relationships

There comes a time in all our lives when we may need to evaluate our relationships, making sure that they are having a positive effect on us, rather than dragging us down. Without realizing it, we may be spending precious time and energy engaging in friendships that let us down, rather than cultivating ones that support and nourish us along our path. Life, with its many twists, turns, and challenges, is difficult enough without us entertaining people in our inner circle who drain our energy. We can do so much more in this world when we are surrounded by people who understand what we’re trying to do and who positively support our efforts to walk our path.

We can begin this evaluation process by simply noticing how we feel in the context of each one of our close relationships. We may begin to see that an old friend is still carrying negative attitudes or ideas that we ourselves need to let go of in order to move forward. Or we may find that we have a long-term relationship with someone who has a habit of letting us down, or not showing up for us when we need support. There are many ways to go about changing the status quo in situations like this, having a heart to heart with our friend showing through example. This process isn’t so much about abandoning old friends as it is about shifting our relationships so that they support us on our journey rather than holding us back.

An important part of this process is looking at ourselves and noticing what kind of friend we are to the people in our lives. We might find that as we adjust our own approach to a relationship, challenging ourselves to be more supportive and positive, our friends make adjustments as well and the whole world benefits.

its purity cleanses me new everyday! hehe.

Been a long long while since i last blogged, alots been going on in la vie de moi. Alot of festivities and i’ve been closely involved in the organisation… so that has consumed quite a bit of me. Family is gr8, congs sis! Work is aight, looks like things are back to ‘ordinary’ and basic. Not so thrilled but its ok. Remember there’s reasons for things… always is. So i think iz hood. Besides that, am tres fab nowadays with A in place and all. R/ship is gr8, making HUGE business plans together… gotta think of the future, ya know! Friends are great, nothing major to report on this section just that i find myself being closer and closer to my sister i.e. she might be among my top friends now =)
Lately i have been thinking about how much i love cooking and how much time i spend on food bl.ogs! its madness. Cooking might just be my niche, my purpose, LOL. Am actually being very serious, lol. Am thinking of starting up a catering business mostly for corporate events, weddings, small functions etc… dunno but i think this might just be it man!
The studi.o is all set now, few things left to get it open - so am waiting for pay day so i can finalise things! Am really excited about this.
I am considering quiting the corporate/NGO world to go solo, to go me - support the private sector, start my own business man! Seriously, i think i’ve had a good bite off the corporate pie and yes me likey a bit, esp the job security, pay at end of the month and all, but i don’t find it so fulfilling - well not as much as i reckon it’d be if i started my own thing. So, at the moment am thinking of starting my thing and then regularly contributing to charity i.e. i’d combine both my fav things! So yeah, lets see how that plan goes, but it’d not be implemented until 12 months time, might be sooner but let’s see!
Donc, i’m going to stop here and get some work completed! Meanwhile, i think my office mate is starting to bug me too much, she doesn’t stop talking and she copies me SOOO much, my style, things i like etc… eishh, am thinking, get ur own life! Innovate. LOL… maybe i bug her too and never shot my trap… grrrh, right now as im writing she’s still talking, ah sat! LOL.
Okie, ama bounce right about now… peace!

I am happy today, mostly because of love. Just love. I feel love is the secret to living happily and by that i don’t mean romantic love, i mean simply loving. Just love. Love gives you peace of mind, it stops you from doubting yourself, it makes you understand the universe you live in because when you love, your heart rules and not your mind. Being able to consult you heart rather than your mind will always lead you to the right way even though it might seem illogical to others if you know that this is from your heart then you can’t go wrong. You get messages from your heart through intuitions, a yes feeling, hunches - when you listen to those, u can not possibly go wrong. Listening to your heart makes you understand things in a much different way than you’d do with your mind, only when you listen to your heart do you feel love.

The deepest secret is that life is not a process of discovery, but a process of
creation. You are not discovering yourself, but creating yourself anew.
Seek, therefore, not to find out Who You Are, seek to determine
Who You Want to Be.
Your job on Earth, therefore, is not to learn (because you already know),
but to remember Who You Are. And to remember who everyone else is.

Judge not, then, the karmic path walked by another. Envy not success,
nor pity failure, for you know not what is success or failure
in the soul’s reckoning. Judge not, and neither
condemn, for you know not why a thing occurs,
nor to what end. And remember
you this: that which you condemn will condemn you,
and that which you judge, you will one day become. Rather, seek to change
those things—or support others who are changing those things—
which no longer reflect your highest sense of Who You Are.

There is perfection in the process—and all life arises out of choice.

Your own life is the way it is because of you,
and the choices you have made—or failed to make.

All that is required is to know this. For you are the creator of your reality,
and life can show up no other way for you than that way in which you think it will.
Thought is pure energy. Every thought you have, have ever had,
and ever will have is creative. The energy of your thought never ever dies.
Ever.
It leaves your being and heads out into the universe,
extending forever. A thought is forever.

The Laws are very simple. 1. Thought is creative. 2. Fear attracts like energy.
3. Love is all there is.

So—do you want your life to “take off”?
Begin at once to imagine it the way you want it to be—
and move into that.

Check every thought, word, and action that does not fall into harmony with that.
Move away from those.

The most difficult thing for people to do is hear their own soul.

And every Master has likewise had the same message: What I am, you are.
What I can do, you can do. These things, and more, shall you also do.

All attack is a call for help.

Life is a creation, not a discovery.

Enlightenment is understanding that there is nowhere to go, nothing to do, and
nobody you have to be except exactly who you’re being right now.
Remember, you are constantly in the act of creating yourself.
You are in every moment deciding who and what you are.
You decide this largely through the choices you make regarding who and
what you feel passionate about.
Yet never resist anything. If you think that by your resistance
you will eliminate it, think again. You only plant it more firmly in place.
All thought is creative?

There is only now; an eternal moment of always in which you are experiencing yourself.

The point of life is therefore to create—who and what you are, and then to experience that.
This is the process of Self realization about which Eastern mystics have written.
It is the process of salvation to which much Western theology has devoted itself.
Yet the purpose of relationship is not to have another who might complete you; but to have another with whom you might share your completeness.

A Master blesses calamity, for the Master knows that from the seeds of disaster
(and all experience) comes the growth of Self.

What you do for your Self, you do for another. What you do for another,
you do for the Self.
This is because you and the other are one.

So much of your present experience is based on your previous thought.
New thought is your only chance. It’s your only real opportunity to evolve,
to grow, to truly become
Who You Really Are.

True Masters are those who have chosen to make a life, rather than a living.

To change your reality, simply stop thinking like that.
Go ahead and do what you really love to do! Do nothing else! You have so little time.
How can you think of wasting a moment doing something for a living you don’t like to do?
What kind of a living is that?
That is not a living, that is a dying!

Worry is just about the worst form of mental activity there is—
next to hate, which is deeply self destructive.
Worry is pointless. It is wasted mental energy.
It also creates bio-chemical reactions which harm the body,
producing everything from indigestion to coronary arrest,
and a multitude of things in between.

Worry, hate, fear—together with their offshoots: anxiety, bitterness, impatience,
avarice, unkindness, judgmentalness, and condemnation—all attack the body at the
cellular level. It is impossible to have a healthy body under these conditions.

The world is in the condition that it’s in because the world is full of sleepwalkers.

Feeling that way this morning, arrrggghh nt so much a hottie, but i’ll brb.

Okie, got back to the office after an amazing 10 days away of just lazing around, bumming and yay being mein own boss… amazing! It went very well, i watched a bit tooo much tv which ofcourse didn’t allow me to do as much soul diggin as i’d have wanted but atleast i got some rest in… so wicked! Havent seen le boo in close to 3 weeks bse i’d travelled and he’d travelled too so we’ve been forced to be apart. But he’s back in 2 days and lawd lawd lawd!!!

Everything seems to be going very well in general
work - now am back seems i’ll start the field work real soon to test out the m&e tool i developed and ofcourse take it from there with that being my new main focus
home- got my kid bro loads of spider.man things and he was soooooooo happy, it’s amazing how the small things mean sooo much to kids, he was Estatic! Fam is gr8, sis is off for close to a month, mum, bro all coughing, but things are fab
business: still developing things slowly, we’ll get there… more on that.

Ok, so i need to reconnect with me and get back in tune… that’s my new task!

Hmmm! So, its not yet 5PM when i get to go away… for a good 7 days off work… loving it, loving it! So i pretty have finished all the work for the day.. so am bored which is why am blogging. Bored, bored… ahhh, yawn. Sigh.

When i go home, am gonna start packing my things… so that by 7PM, i’m all ready to watch idols… yipee! am so excited, am going out of town, am gonna chill, am gonna have a blast! yay.
I should def taking my swimming gear, need to be doing a couple of laps if the weather permits seeing as it does get rather chilly over there…

So there’s the funny french woman who works with one of the projects under ours and she thinks she’s the shit, so the people she works with totally cannot stand her! She’s such a bizatch… as in she knows jack and gives them a hard time! She thinkgs bse she’s of a diff race that she can come bully people … the hell? Anyhow, so yeah right now she’s in my boss’ office, who happens to not stand her either…. ahhhrgghhh… best believe she flew all the way from lon.don for a dinner… lol, what an extravagant life! wow… totally shows how she’s got no idea what to with her job and her time..

OK, so it’s 4:03 right now, and i’m totally dying to goooooo… cannot wait anymore..i wanna go go go home. Gag.

4:04 right now, ok, brb.

4:13 already, yay!!

4:16….

4:21…

4:26…

4:44.

4:45

4:45 still..lol

4:48 ….grrrggg

4:51

4:53…

4:55…

5:00!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I start my leave tomorrow for 7 working days and traveling out of the country to just chill and unwind… relax and get back in tune with my soul. I need that soo bad… am planning to take a novel with me and try as much as i can to just relax, smile, revere and just get my balance on.
He and i have had a somewhat hardish week, not just bse we’ve not met in week since he’s been out of the country and i have am leaving tomorrow, so it’s going to be about 2 weeks or more of us being apart… well that and also little misconceptions that have have grandiosely blown into other things… basically, u know how couples just argue over small things that are based on their assumptions and then when they talk they realise ohh man, it was actually not what i thought - yet that thinking was just in their mind and not true… anyway, so i have been refering to the verse in 13 corinthi.ans about love and each time it reminds me sooo much of what my priorities are and what is being spiritual if you don;t have love… so yeah anyway the verse has been my source of calmness and wisdom and i totally love it. So am also going to be thinking of incorporating it into my daily life and my r/ship nt just with him bt with all…
So i’ll listen to alot of my spiritual audio books and just return home - where things make sense and are just beautiful…

Wow, so it’s been a hot min, right? i’ve been good… alot going on in my life, work, fam… all good stuff though… hence why i haven’t had time to blog. I won’t be long, just glad my plan got approved, i will be traveling to see le vieux for 2 wks … should be fun! When i rtn, i will start doing alot of field work. Am trying to get back to working out… hopefully i can stick to it…

Peace

Yoooo… u know the way i’d been sooo unbusy and blogging 2x/3x a day??! oh well, now things have changed… am very busy and could have described my state few days ago as swamped, so can’t complain… things at work are going gr8 man, been working on reports, proposals etc… it’s quite nice, ya know?? I don’t have anything else to say… so peace

look here hater, i know you soo well and i know if i keep my thought fixated on you, i’ll not get any happiness… so here’s the deal, i know am freaked because things are going my way workwise, but i know all i need is time and i will be back to normal. So here’s the deal, i am not going to worry and think too much about you… all i’ll do is just ignore you and wait! Basically, the reason for this is bse my M&E stuff has been on hold, basically, we haven’t had another chat and i haven’t gotten feedback… yesterday i re-edited the plan and emailed it to him, but i keep getting these insecure thoughts, that he might not be happy with what i did… and then ofcourse there’s the proposal we’re doing for more funding basically the boss asked me to do updates of jan and feb since the guys of NY have all the others except the last 2 months, so i did few bullet points of updates and emailed them to him. He didn’t mention a word until this morning i get a forward from him with an email from K (of NY) our director there basically attaching last year’s proposal and no message! so what am i supposed to do with it? just wondering…
Well, i guess we just going to have to talk…
****************************
LOL… ok, just scratch all that, he’s apparently sent me something else which is taking forever to open on outlook… and he also mentioned that he saw my M&E plan and he thinks it’s good, so we’ll discuss about it when he comes back…
so the deal is, i mean, if he’s giving such a hefty task of compiling a proposal for over US $222,000 , then it simply means he believes i can do it, you don’t just give anyone such! So yeah, let me be humbled and accept this task with glee seeing as i’ve been asking for more challenging stuff, so now can you say challenging?!! LOL.. u get what you ask for… so here it is, i shall just accept and be thankful and hopeful too… am sure i can pull this off… PEACE!

Dear stomach,

Please listen to me and do so very carefully… you seem rather upset today and i think i might have contributed to this - yes, i think it was that horrible mo.za.rella and toma.to i had for starters last night! Ofcourse there’s a reason for this, i though the cheese would come melted on the tomato and be all warm and cheesy, but it came all cold and rock solid…it was slightly gross, but you my dear decided that it’s ok to continue and so i did!
Hmm… so now, i get to work this morning and u start bugging me and i thought a hot drink would do the trick, but it didn’t… i had 2 cups of hot choc and i felt better at first, but then towards lunch i started feeling gross-ish! then i went to the loo and nothing came out, i still felt bad… then, u continued to bug me and i threw up… u almost drove me nuts to the point of taking the afternoon off, but i hesitated, partly because i took the day off on friday and can’t do 2 days in a row!
But now, i have decided that the pain and all this crap might actually be in my mind… it might actually get to go away… so here i am writing to you, to say i know u’re pissed, but please give me a break right now, let this go just this now… i will be good and nice to you and even go to the gym soon to firm up just for your si.x packs to re-appear!

Peace be IN you!

Finally had the mtg with the boss about my project! He was quite impressed with the implementation plan i developed, in his words “this is excellent” … so yipeee!! Am very happen, we discussed the feasibility of the plan and had a lengthy discussion about it… unfortunately though we didn’t get to finish bse he had a conference call which wasn’t done by the time i left…. so hopefully we finish up soon! Today is friday so probably next week, i should know where i stand with my project..!

Am thrilled at the fact that when u let go of something and just leave things in the hands of the divine, they happen! All week i’d been whining about how we hadn’t met and how it was pissing me off… an all that did was ruin my day and spoil my mood! Then yesterday when i told myself to just chill, it happened! LOL

It’s the 29th of feb, i know 2 people whose birthday is today and basically they only get to celebrate their birthdays every 4 yrs, lol… i don’t know if i fancy that much… but i guess it makes it more special as opposed to the popular annual birthday deal.

Friday is here and i have an upset stomach, thanks to my ever daring self who decided to opt for HOT tikk.a ma.sala!! Indian food is spicy enough and opting for hot indian food = danger-not-be-tried-again! So yeah, am going to be doing a lot of trips to the loo today - guess on the +, i get in some exercise, LOL… pls remember that the loo is about 20 seconds from my office… LOL, if you walk in my pace! So as opposed to sitting down all day… trips to the loo might allow me to get few calories even if they’re micro ones!

I am getting my hair braided this wkd! Yipeee… finally decided to get that done so the natural hair can spring up a bit then i can chop it off… neatly! Alors

I met a friend of his - female last evening and she’s such a brilliant person, u know those women who have an aura of soooo much strength and wisdom, i was amazed and loved having a chat with her… we had a lengthy chat about just about anything esp clever serious stuff, like work, future plans etc… i like that stuff! Not for everyday chat, but definately a combo of such convos and useless chats about hair could do me just alrite!!

Nothing else to report here sir! So ama roll!

Ok, can u just say the past 2/3 posts have been overly exaggerated and totally unnecessary! Gee. Here i was making all funny excuses for my boredom and idle mind… anyhow, i spoke with him yesterday over Linner (that’s an after lunch pre-dinner meal) and basically i was complaining about how my boss still hasn’t met to talk yet and he broke it down to me how am just being impatient and i should appreciate not being overwhelmed with work bse there are time when am truly busy! So yeah we talked alot more about the situation. Am going to take this time to reflect more on what we’ll discuss when we finally meet!
Therefore am now chilled and back to being conscious about my thoughts and thinking-it-happen!
Peace be upon thee all…

Who would have known that i would be this faithful to blogging this week seeing as i was more than positive i’d have my hands full this week… anyhow, so the convo with the le boss but still haven’t - can you say majorly pre-occup this week? It’s unbelievable! Anyhow, so i just finished editing the M&E plan and hadn’t noticed how crappy the wording was until this morning when i decided to review it. So i did and re-sent it to the boss… whatever the case b4 this week ends am hoping to have had a word with him and let’s see how that goes. Am thinking we might have to hire an extra person seeing as i might not be able to do it all alone and preferably that person will be experience in M&E. The way i visualize the plan is that we’d do quarterly eval of indiv HCs in all districts and we’ll use the tool that was developed i.e. fill in Y/N where relevant and then after we’d analyse (though i have no clear idea how that will be done, it’s a bit vague to me at the moment… whatever the case, we’ll compile a report am picturing to have alot of numbers and tables mainly visual and this will be presented at the quarterly meeting, we have at the end of each 1/4. So i think what i need to start thinking about is some sort of mini work plan for M&E i.e. when these visits will be done… how long, which am hoping the pilot (if approved) will give us a good idea of how it takes to complete the evaluation in each HC… so we know how much time is needed b4 eval can start so it’s over by the end of the quarter? Or maybe we can do it at the end of the 1/4 i.e. we’ll ensure that it is work done in that 1/4 and maybe report it bi-annually? So it’s an ongoing all-yr-round job! Perhaps we could say do this eval of the previous 1/4 in the 1st month of the next 1/4… yeah so we’d have tangible results that this was achieved in the previous 1/4.. perhaps what can be done is that data from two 1/4s can be compiled and 1 report produced? Hmm.. something to think about! Hadn’t thought of it in that much depth… we’d basically do 4 evals and 2 reports/yr! The issue now is when these evals will happen… we could try conduct during the last month of each 1/4? Bse that way it gives a clear view of what happened in the 1/4… then we can try and submit this in time for the 1/4ly mtg? Hmmm…

Alot of details i know… anyway, so am having this lil drama going on in my life… married couple’s issues being dragged into me and mine’s life! It’s sad and also heartbreaking bse of all the false accusations being made to me and esp him! Dang! Anyhow, so am meeting the wifey 2moro, not sure for why for, whatever the case i know that i needn’t get more involved in this drama!
It’s the 3rd time am getting involved unwillingly into couples’ drama and lessons i’ve drawn are to stray from these drama sessions as much as you can and say nothing, if one party comes to you for your opinion… except if you’re REALLY REALLY tight, never reveal your honest opinion, remain as neutral as you possibly can! Try to take no sides and seem as optimistic and positive as you possibly can no matter how strongly u disagree! I know it’s a shame and i’d like to think that i’d like to be told the truth if i were in their shoes but this theory doesn’t seem to apply to evry1! Grrrhhh… i mean you let out your honest opinion and with nothing but purely good good intentions but somehow, this gets misinterpreted! So screw truth when it comes to this particular case, i know one thing for sure, i have learnt! Majorly.

Gag. The peeps i mentioned were coming to do a sort of internship with us came last nite, they seem ok but unsually calm for americans, pardon my stereotypical tendency here! But wow, i was amazed at their calmness.. i concluded they’re either repubs or have some british blood in them.. LOL… anyhow, they said they’d get me books from the US bse of all the help i’ve provided to them, LOL.. (don’t tell them i get paid monthly for doing my ‘job’) hahah! I am hoping to get the books today when they come to the office.

It’s mid day already! Let me get to shitbk and see what’s on there! Peace… meanwhile, i got a new bl.g on w.rd.pre.ss they got cooler templates on there man! wish i could relocate

Hello bloggie! how goes it? its a lovely morning and i am all sykt for tuesday! I haven’t had much to do this morning, clearly why am bloggin at 9 in the am. Oh well. I have my cup of black chai and my jacket on, so am all warm and ready to face the day.
There’s been some renovations being done in the office and right now, all i can smell is pain! varnish.. that stuff ain’t nice! It’s given me a slight headache… if u may ask, why don’t they just do this in the evenings when everyone’s gone home or on weekends… but oh no, u see just like us, they need to be home at 5PM and on weekends, LOL… this stuff isn’t even hilarious. Right, what to do?

My current state of mind:

I still haven’t spoken with the le boss yet, i am starting to practise patience again! I will relax and it will come to me… no stress, i will embrace no having my hands full all the time, bse i know very well that when work comes, it comes with full force! Donc, ca va!
Okie, i have been saying i need to get back into my exercise routine and i am totally planning to do so ASAP! We get paid this week.. 1st am buying my lil kiddum new school uniform, then a month’s supply of juice for them to take to school and perhaps some notebooks… not sure yet!
Am also planning to start hitting the gym… but then again, since i got a good supply of bi.l.ly b.a.nks - why bother? But i found this gym much closer to my place and it’s quite affordable, so am seriously considering joining it! Also, am going into the health eating lifestyle again, not that i’ve been bad since i have strictly vegetarian lunches when am at work! So i need to learn to not over indulge when am eating out!
Do, i have to go to the airport this evening to pick up a visiting fellow from pfi.zer who i mentioned probly in my previous posts… ofcourse this doesn’t thrill me much, but it’s work dammit! Not that it’s part of my job description, but there’s a damn phrase on my contract that says ‘and any other duties as assigned by your supervisor’ like what kind of shit ass phrase is that… so if am told to go clean a toilet by my boss, i should do?! Ohh man, workers union!! we need one of those to protect workers like us with certain shitty phrases in our contracts… dang!
I finished gei.sha and on to Mock.ing Bi.rd! I hope to read MB at work and the new shiny book mentioned before!
I miss pasting pics to clearly illustrate my state of mind as i post! So let me get.t.y ima.ge this itch up! LOL…
Am seriously thinking about braiding and doings a masters… now that a close friend started hers, am like damn it’s doable… but 1st let’s get the experience on now, shall we! So maybe in a year or 2… i know it shall be done and i will return to school when i absolutely have missed it and have learnt alot and gotten more sensible!
U know what i miss? i miss doughnuts from gr.eggs! I miss as.da ice cream.. i miss a nice cup of hot choc and i miss the feeling of staying at home on a week day and laying in front of the TV (cable) and chillaxin! I miss that itch man! I miss going away on a long weekend, ordering room service, having a long warm bath! Swimming on a sunny afternoon… just being ummmm lazy! LOL… i know! I miss sooo much shit, am thinking maybe i should get away this weekend.. go somewhere fancy and enjoy myself! Btw, he finally called and apologised for being so sillly! Ofcourse i forgave him and now we cool buddies! so yeah, it happens!
Some freakin asshole dude who works at the project we share the office building with just walked in… he’s soooo annoying, he gave some stalker my digits and the dude has been um basically stalking me! Ahhhrggg, bt it’s nothing serious, just that it’s slightly unusual to get a text from someone u dont know… wishing u a nice day, i mean it’s cute but creepy @ the same time.. so yeah, the shithole dude i mentioned is also a perv in my view bse of the way he stares at chics and he thinks he’s smooth and i can almost picture that all his convos are about punan.i! Shit head!
Oh man, that’s too much cursing for nice morning like this, but i care not!
Maybe i should publish this or maybe i should click on another tab, check out shitbook, LOL… aka fc.bk! Hollie… i miss burgers and chips!! seriously i miss a nice plate of freshly made fries and some ketchup and bit of mayo! lalala!
We’ve got alot white folks at work, who if u ask me, do fuck all! Just smile and talk in their loud and cheap accents and are everywhere and try to look busy! Goooseness… wots that all about?! man! I wish i could be in eng.lan.d this very second… so many places i would go to, few people i’d visit! I miss light green grapes! the fresh organic ones rock all! It’s only 10:09, i wonder when lunch break shall arrive… i also wonder if the meeting my boss is attending today shall perhaps delay until 1 PM… ? I wonder too when the next UB is coming out and when i shall ever lay my hands on lip.stic.k jun.gle! I miss Pizza… lawd, do i only talk about food?/! oh man, who cares anyway! it’s my blog hoe! LOL
wow, just what i needed, i just spilt some tea on my top! wowza. Am out of here itch!

I have waited and waited and waited for 5PM to arrive… but buoy has it taken its lovely time…. arrggghhh, i have really been very useless all afternoon… the boss still hasn’t called me in yet! It’s not funny… so then another day of no serious work.. argrgggghhh, of course this isn’t my fault seeing as am very willing to do work if only i can be given some! What kills me is that i feel guilty! Ayaya… then its raining too…. oh man! It’s only 4:45 right now… so 15 more mins… ok let me browse other sites and be back… i shall post this up at 5 sharp! ok, brb.
Am back, it’s still just 4:46… i just had a sweet from the 2 yr old party i went to over the wkd! i was given a pack of toffee to take home with me as a thank u gift from the birthday girl’s mum… how kind! Bon, its raining and i can smell the sweet smell of raining hitting sand…. if that makes sense!
I can hear my colleague screaming on the fone, he talks quite slow and i think u need a lot of patience to get him, OMG u will not believe what he just said! He’s saying he emailed someone something and they didn’t get it and he’s suggesting that they check ’spam’ but he added and s meaning spams…. LOL and he repeated himself like 4 times, LOLLL i have laughed!!
It’s 4:49 and i am thinking of how i’ll get home, change, grab a hot drink and my read to cheer me up… oh wow! Am going to have a ball.. ok so there was a meeting in the boss’office that i was praying would end after 5 so i don’t have to say gdbye… bt it just ended and its only 4:50… grrhhh, so that means i might be called in, which means i might have to go home not at 5 sharp! Arggghhh… work, work! So it’s 4:51 and i haven’t been called in… hopefully i won’t bse to be honest, i’d rather just settle this 2moro morning when am all fresh and un distracted!! I’ll brb… let me kill time by checking other sites =) ok, it’s 4:52 now and still no sign… hahaha, so there’s this whi.te chic at the office who reckons she’s deev as in sometimes she says hi and others she snobs… fuk as if! Who’s bothered?
4:56 PM - still not 5PM yet! ahhhrhggghhhhhh this isn’t nice! Gag! Gag.
4:57 PM - oh man… the deev just walked into the boss’office and in her loud american voice is disturbing the peace of the whole office!
4:58 PM - a car just entered and is making some loud noise… ahhhrh! Hmmm
4:59 PM - deep breath.. someone just entered the office to print! Silence and noise
5:00 PM - now am feeling bad about leaving at 5 sharp… ahhhrggg
yes there another meeting, but still! ohhh man
5:01 PM - let me wait for someone to leave 1st! i shall sneak out.

i sit here on my desk with a 1.5 bottle of water, my star.bucks cup and loads of pens and other office stationery in it… uh huh. So now, am waiting for my boss to call me and we can run through the annual report together… he seems to have had alot on his mind lately seeing as i submitted this report - which mind u is the 2007 annual report and it’s almost March 2008… anyhow, he knows the urgency of this and him taking his time with it says something. I have been reading How.t.o.k.i..ll.a.mock.in.g.bir.d and i’m past half way. It’s quite interesting, not necessarily one of my favs, but it’s def hilarious and i am curious to find out what the whole fuss about classics is all about… so yeah, let’s see if am swept off my feet by the time am done. At work, things have been quite slow.. i have been waiting to get feedback from the rest of the team regarding the M.&E plan we developed… but nada! Folks are slow at replying to emails… so am sort of on hold with that… though i’d very much love to get it started du.de! Anyway, slowly slowly.. am planning to throw that into the convo i have with the boss later on today… cause i’d really like to start going into the field and get some concrete and challenging work on! Like seriously!
I started the new shiny book of mine entitled ea.t.pr.ay.love … it’s quite interesting so far… am only just started that’s because i left my gei.sha book in his car on friday nite and didn’t have it until sunday which was the next time i saw him… hence, i had to start reading something else and since mocki.ng.bir.d is an e-bo.ook i didn’t have the head to turn on the comp etc etc.. so yeah, it’s quite alrite u know? Hopefully i’ll have finished those other 2 by the end of the week and i can focus solely on my shiny new bookie!
I have been thinking alot about me… all the things i need to start focusing on… i know this isn’t the 1st time am saying this, but who’s asking anyway…. right, so i have been thinking about when am going for my post.gra.d where and when and how? also am thinking about braiding my hair… now i have had alot of hair drama over the past few months, i’ve CHOPPED, grown, retouched, trimmed.. u name it and i still haven’t gotten to the stage where i feel right, i think i can live with this look for a min..nah’m.ean? Lately i am leaning towards a short even hair cut that i can wash every morning and not comb…. which is veyr typical of me, seeing as i never quite got my girlieness on… so i think i’ll do that, but then now the issue is that my hair is cut in a bob at the mo and isn’t even… the sides are much shorter than the length i’d like it all to be when i cut it… so that calls for braiding bse that’s the only way i can get to cut it and probably have this do for a while.. but then again, with my sis wedding around the corner, am thinking short hair and nice fancy dress = not too nice! So i don’t know… and how is nice defined anyway??!! need to have my short afr.o do on… that’s whatsup! Ahuh… so i dont know really… am just going to see how i feel… am also planning to paint my nails a dark colour… i have really short nails… stopped growing them a while back… and i think short nails with a dark colour on looks hot! So i am basically thinking of doing that…. just one slight prob though… bo.o doesn’t like that! Braids or dark nail colour! Ahhh, it’s not that serious he’ll get over it… it’s not a major thing to piss him off, right? right. So let’s see.
My back aches for some weird reason may have something to do with the way i’ve been sat for the past hours… ahhhhh… the internet’s been on and off.. that’s annoying… i want those jack nichol.so.n shades dude! am dying for me… ohhhh did i forget to mention how am such a good driver nowadays? only prob is the car is being taken back since the owner who’d been away for 2 wks is coming home 2nite! Alas.
It’s 3:02 PM only, when shall 5PM arrive? Am bored, the boss still hasn’t called me in, haven’t got anything that needs my attention… ohhh did i mention that there’s the super big boss from pf.i.zer coming 2moro and will be doing a sort of fellowship with us… now this guy has been calling us since october last year… he even attempted to schedule a weekly phonecall with my boss to get updated on our work and well acquainted with it b4 he arrives… can u say seriousness!! he seems to be really good with time management. He’s coming 2moro with his wife (how cute) and he’s promised to bring me loads of books and a thank u for all the work i have been doing to facilitate their coming here avec plaisir! Can’t wait to see the books and read em!
I went out on friday and didn’t get back home until 4 am… it has been a long time since i pulled such… but i had a massive night, went to like 4 places… had a massive time for real! It was kinda nice =) and hella cool! LOL
Alright… i just got a call from an old ‘uncle’ of mine who i grew up with of sorts and who my folks had gone to visit when i was given birth to… so he never stops saying how he knew me when i was this tiny etc etc… anyway he called to say hi, which made me feel embarrased bse i don’t do that! Anyhow, shit happens.
Plans to start working out again are on… probly start with March so i have all of this week to eat like mad and sleep till late… but come march…. am gonna be doing alot of Bill.y ba.nks at 6AM! Am dead serious…
it’s only 3:08 now.. i should probably wrap up and keep surfing the net till am called into the boss’s crib which should be any min now
Am out!

P.S boo and i aren’t talking… he’s decided to snob me and so have i… let’s see who the softy will be… i know we don’t usually do this, but then i tried to break the ice last evening b4 things got bad but he shunned me and so am not going to make any further re conciliating moves… nope, ain’t got the head for that! why must i always be the one… not today homie.. ain’t happening!

Been a while I know, ummm… let’s see I’ve been rather busy this past week… had a lot to complete at work… but alas, it’s all done and right now… am reading my book in bits for fear of being caught reading a novel at work!! Ya know? Right, so I completed the M&E plan u remember I mentioned earlier… yeah, M&E my baby… so it’s now been submitted to the team for their comments and then we can commence M&E’ing… cannot wait! Ofcourse this means I’ll need to be on the field a lot, but I know I am gaining something from this and I got to make the most of it… ohh also, I was working on our annual report which we’re looking to send to the ministry of health… so yeah, that was done too, still waiting for comments from the boss…
Home’s been alrite, mum is away on holiday and this past week was kinda’rough seeing as the maid had left, so finding another etc was a hussle but we got one last night and ummm.. yeah, it’s all fine now, but b4 she came, I had to do cleaning of the house, supervise cooking… because the gate man, helped me a bit with the cooking and my cousin who lives with us  So yeah, my sis returned from her trip and got me choc choc, a book  couldn’t be happier…
Ohhh, yesterday we had a mtg, the 1st mtg of our organization since a long long time, a yr ago to be exact… so it was nice, we seem to be on the same page and have an idea of what we want to get done and when… we also gained another member… so it’s quite nice, I have few tasks to get done b4 we meet next!

Now the most exciting bit…. I re-started READING!! And boy am I loving it! I totally hadn’t realized how much i’d missed it… I started last weekend, when my 1 was out of the country and due to lack of proggie, I decided to start reading Ma.ya An.ge.lou’s I.know.why.t.he.ca.ged.bi.r.d.sin.gs… it’s such a good book… so I got hooked on that and finished it last week… then I started downl.oad.ing a number of classics and started reading how.to.ki.ll.a.moc.king.bi.rd … it’s a funny and interesting book… I love how it reminds me so much of my own childhood and all the silly things that go on in kids’ minds… so i was halfway reading that when on Friday on my way home, I realized I’d left it in the office… I was in a cab and not driving myself so I couldn’t go back for it! Grrhhh… so I got home and remembered I’d bought ‘memoir.s of. A.gei.sha’ back in 2006 and never got to read it… I rmbr glancing through it and upon finding it was in tiny characters and about 400 pages thick, I chilled. So yeah, I started reading it, and to my surprise, it’s Monday and am halfway… it’s a sad novel, but novelist tells the story very well and with a lot of description… it’s japane.se culture and totally diff from mine, but am loving the little bit I can relate to… I mean we might be ocean.s ap.art but there’s still few similarities of Sayu.ri’s stories of growing up that I can relate to!

The thing I like the most about reading is that I get so engrossed in people’s lives and ofcourse seeing as am in a constant self-questioning phase at the mo, I can see that am not so different from other people… we’re all somehow the same, we have similar thoughts and got through similar experiences, it’s somewhat consoling (for lack of a milder word) but yeah, It makes me realize so much that I would never do without reading… so am especially liking non-fiction novels.. I want real life stories… also, with all the revelation reading is giving me, am finding myself much more comfy hanging out with different people etc… u might not get what I mean, but am serious..! So I look at few top 100 reads of .a..ll. ti.me from go.o.gle and read novel reviews and download them…. Lol… can’t wait to set up my own library… so far I have like 20 more novels waiting to be read by my humble self…. Laalallalala! Am particularly looking forward to reading one on the biafr.a war and also Ann.a Kare.nin.a! Then I have few autobiographies e.g Mal.col.m X’s and few To.ni Mo.rr.ison novels…. Yippee… am loving this new habit, it’s one just like sports I totally donot mind getting addicted to!

Okie, so we donot have elec in the office at the mo and I am typing this on word…I feel so tempted to get out my gei.sha novel… but let me hold myself… lol… it’ll be lunch break in little under an hour…

Everything else has been going well, the new girl at the office is learning very quickly and am slowly handing over most of the stuff I’ve mastered and gladly moving on the newer pastures e.g my M&E ish… loving it!

Oh also, my mum’s business has started off well, we got a job with one of the biggest company in the country… things are totally looking up and I am trying to think most of which I am creating… ahhhh how could I forget, am seriously getting my driving on now… actually got to stay with mum’s car while she’s away, so I drive myself to work now and back home, it’s coooool, I love it! Oh and the freedom of not relying on people for rides and cab drivers with their perpetual lateness… beautiful thang I tell ya!

Ohh, I heard from a former housemate this morning, she’s a star… she was telling me all she’s been up to and it’s a lot of exciting stuff like 6 months in Tibet learning Buddhist philosophy…and doing mediation etc… and the thing that struck me the most and brought a smile to my face was that she said she still does a lot of tree climbing in the park and dancing… so simple!  nice!!! I like her free spirit and lifestyle… bless her!

Imma stop here y’all and hit the X thing on the top right of my screen… Blessings y’all x

1.We all work with one infinite power

2. The Secret is the Law of Attraction (LOA)

3. Whatever is going on in your mind is what you are attracting

4. We are like magnets - like attract like. You become AND attract what you think

5. Every thought has a frequency. Thoughts send out a magnetic energy

6. People think about what they don’t want and attract more of the same

7. Thought = creation. If these thoughts are attached to powerful emotions (good or bad) that speeds the creation

8. You attract your dominant thoughts

9. Those who speak most of illness have illness, those who speak most of prosperity have it..etc..

10. It’s not “wishful” thinking.

11. You can’t have a universe without the mind entering into it

12. Choose your thoughts carefully .. you are a masterpiece of your life

13. It’s OK that thoughts don’t manifest into reality immediately (if we saw a picture of an elephant and it instantly appeared, that would be too soon)

14. EVERYTHING in your life you have attracted .. accept that fact .. it’s true.

15. Your thoughts cause your feelings

16. We don’t need to complicate all the “reasons” behind our emotions. It’s much simpler than that. Two categories .. good feelings, bad feelings.

17. Thoughts that bring about good feelings mean you are on the right track. Thoughts that bring about bad feelings means you are not on the right track.

18. Whatever it is you are feeling is a perfect reflection of what is in the process of becoming

19. You get exactly what you are FEELING

20. Happy feelings will attract more happy circumstances

21. You can begin feeling whatever you want (even if it’s not there).. the universe will correspond to the nature of your song

22. What you focus on with your thought and feeling is what you attract into your experience

23. What you think and what you feel and what actually manifests is ALWAYS a match - no exception

24. Shift your awareness

25. “You create your own universe as you go along” Winston Churchill

26. It’s important to feel good ( ( ( (((good))) ) ) )

27. You can change your emotion immediately .. by thinking of something joyful, or singing a song, or remembering a happy experience

28. When you get the hang of this, before you know it you will KNOW you are the creator

29. Life can and should be phenomenal .. and it will be when you consciously apply the Law of Attraction

30. Universe will re-arrange itself accordingly

31. Start by using this sentence for all of your wants: “I’m so happy and grateful now that…. ”

32. You don’t need to know HOW the universe is going to rearrange itself

33. LOA is simply figuring out for yourself what will generate the positive feelings of having it NOW

34. You might get an inspired thought or idea to help you move towards what you want faster

35. The universe likes SPEED. Don’t delay, don’t second-guess, don’t doubt..

36. When the opportunity or impulse is there .. ACT

37. You will attract everything you require - money, people, connections.. PAY ATTENTION to what’s being set in front of you

38. You can start with nothing .. and out of nothing or no way - a WAY will be provided.

39. HOW LONG??? No rules on time .. the more aligned you are with positive feelings the quicker things happen

40. Size is nothing to the universe (unlimited abundance if that’s what you wish) We make the rules on size and time

41. No rules according to the universe .. you provide the feelings of having it now and the universe will respond

42. Most people offer the majority of their thought in response to what they are observing (bills in the mail, being late, having bad luck…etc..)

43. You have to find a different approach to what is through a different vantage point

44. “All that we are is a result of what we have thought” - Buddha

45. What can you do right now to turn your life around?? Gratitude

46. Gratitude will bring more into our lives immediately

47. What we think about and THANK about is what we bring about

48. What are the things you are grateful for?? Feel the gratitude.. focus on what you have right now that you are grateful for

49. Play the picture in your mind - focus on the end result

50. VISUALIZE!!! Rehearse your future

51. VISUALIZE!!! See it, feel it! This is where action begins

52. Feel the joy .. feel the happiness )

53. An affirmative thought is 100 times more powerful than a negative one

54. “What this power is, I cannot say. All I know is that it exists.” Alexander Graham Bell

55. Our job is not to worry about the “How”. The “How” will show up out of the commitment and belief in the “what”

56. The Hows are the domain of the universe. It always knows the quickest, fastest, most harmonious way between you and your dream

57. If you turn it over to the universe, you will be surprised and dazzled by what is delivered .. this is where magic and miracles happen

58. Turn it over to the universe daily.. but it should never be a chore.

59. Feel exhilarated by the whole process .. high, happy, in tune

60. The only difference between people who are really living this way is they have habituated ways of being.

61. They remember to do it all the time

62. Create a Vision Board .. pictures of what you want to attract .. every day look at it and get into the feeling state of already having acquired these wants

63. “Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life’s coming attractions.” Albert Einstein

64. Decide what you want .. believe you can have it, believe you deserve it, believe it’s possible for you

65. Close your eyes and visualize having what you already want - and the feeling of having it already.

66. Focus on being grateful for what you have already .. enjoy it!! Then release into the universe. The universe will manifest it.

67. “Whatever the mind of man can conceive, it can achieve” W. Clement Stone

68. Set a goal so big that if you achieved it, it would blow your mind.

69. When you have an inspired thought, you must trust it and act on it.

70. How can you become more prosperous?? INTEND IT!!

71. ‘Checks are coming in the mail regularly’… or change your bank statement to whatever balance you want in there… and get behind the feeling of having it.

72. Life is meant to be abundant in ALL areas…

73. Go for the sense of inner joy and peace then all outside things appear

74. We are the creators of our universe

75. Relationships: Treat yourself the way you want to be treated by others .. love yourself and you will be loved

76. Healthy respect for yourself

77. For those you work with or interact with regularly .. get a notebook and write down positive aspects of each of those people.

78. Write down the things you like most about them (don’t expect change from them). Law of attraction will not put you in the same space together if you frequencies don’t match

79. When you realize your potential to feel good, you will ask no one to be different in order for you to feel good.

80. You will free yourself from the cumbersome impossibilities of needing to control the world, your friends, your mate, your children….

81. You are the only one that creates your reality

82. No one else can think or feel for you .. its YOU .. ONLY YOU.

83. Health: thank the universe for your own healing. Laugh, stress free happiness will keep you healthy.

84. Immune system will heal itself

85. Parts of our bodies are replace every day, every week..etc… Within a few years we have a brand new body

86. See yourself living in a new body. Hopeful = recovery. Happy = happier biochemistry. Stress degrades the bod.

87. Remove stress from the body and the body regenerates itself. You can heal yourself

88. Learn to become still .. and take your attention away from what you don’t want, and place your attention on what you wish to experience

89. When the voice and vision on the inside become more profound and clear than the opinions on the outside, then you have mastered your life

90. You are not here to try to get the world to be just as you want it. You are here to create the world around you that you choose.

91. And allow the world as others choose to see it, exist as well

92. People think that if everyone knows the power of the LOA there won’t be enough to go around .. This is a lie that’s been ingrained in us and makes so many greedy.

93. The truth is there is more than enough love, creative ideas, power, joy, happiness to go around.

94. All of this abundance begins to shine through a mind that is aware of it’s own infinite nature. There’s enough for everyone. See it. Believe it. it will show up for you.

95. So let the variety of your reality thrill you as you choose all the things you want.. get behind the good feelings of all your wants.

96. Write your script. When you see things you don’t want, don’t think about them, write about them, talk about them, push against them, or join groups that focus on the don’t wants… remove your attention from don’t wants.. and place them on do wants

97. We are mass energy. Everything is energy. EVERYTHING.

98. Don’t define yourself by your body .. it’s the infinite being that’s connected to everything in the universe.

99. One energy field. Our bodies have distracted us from our energy. We are the infinite field of unfolding possibilities. The creative force.

100. Are your thoughts worthy of you? If not - NOW is the time to change them. You can begin right were you are right now. Nothing matters but this moment and what you are focusing your attention on.

I am in a super ultra ecstatic mood right now… it’s soooo beautiful having things going so well for you on pretty much all fronts. I mean:
- At work things are gr8 we have the new admin asst. starting on monday who i will be supervising… yipeee…. i finally get to be a boss lol… but besides that, am glad i can now pass on all the things i have sort of learnt and mastered by now and need to move on to new and challenging things. So umm am now thinking of how i need to get back into my M&E things and also start doing alot of field work and get hands on public health and health management experience man! I am thrilled.
- Holiday friday is a public holiday which is like the bestest day to possibly have a holiday… iz amazing! Aha. Am overly glad for that.
- R/ship: things r totally gr8! I mean i couldn’t possibly ask for me and i LITERALLY mean that! Everything is honestly going wonderfully well, i thank God soooo much for all the joy, love and happiness we both share… it’s truly heaven sent
- Family: Me and mums are cool, so far since the beginning of the year i’ve been very conscious of how i talk with her and been such a darling. I still find myself being a bit judgemental so am working to get rid of that too.
- Business: So ummm, the business me and mums are in has started off pretty well, we’ve got 1 job that should get us some good amount of cash should things stay at this pace… it’s lovely… am trying to jiggle it up with my full time job and am managing plus mums is thinking of quiting her current job if the business goes well and can sustain her… so am going to be doing less if she starts working on it full time… kinda nice man, i’d be very happy for her seeing as she’s getting a bit tired of her current job, it’ll be 10 yrs in same org and same job soon! So i dont blame her.
- Humanitarian: I have been a bit busy with work and this business thing to have time for the org we started, but am looking to do a workplan for this year and have set deadlines that i must work against… so once i have that ready, i’ll be one fortunate woman
- Friends: not much is up on this front, everyone’s cool, haven’t hung out with the girls in a bit but i should do 2moro. Everyone’s cool but i still find myself feeling a bit awkward around some of them and ofcourse i wonder if the prob is with me and not them… which worries me, because i totally don’t get how i can click with some of them after even years and it feels like we never parted and some others who in some cases i see quite regularly but still there’s that little something…. arrgggghhh or maybe i am just reading way too much into it. Maybe.

So ya see me a mean??!! things a gwan i tells ya. Alors, what next? My sis wedding feels soo closeby and it is in June - i am engrossed in the planning with her, picking dresses for the maids, decor ideas, etc etc…. mean while, i still ain’t got my dress… hello?? the sister of the bride gotsa looks gr8! ma men.

Right, so i am feeling alici.a key.s new album, off the metal! TOO FAB! she got talent man… currently got her on spin

Imma halt right here and sort myself out for heading out seeing as me and boo are hooking up for a drink meanwhile i need alot of non-alcoholic cocktails man… this country freaking deprives me of that!! ain’t right.

Hehehehe at the language, am giggling… yuk, who uses giggling?? LAUGHING!!! LOLLLLLL

^^^^^CLEARLY YOU CAN FEEL MY JOY^^^^^^

Am loving loving loving loving Alici.a Key.s new album ‘’As.I.Am” it soooo beautiful and uplifting. I like it and can’t seem to get enough of it. She’s got talent that girl… honest man, i knew she was good but dayum didn’t think it was this serious… lol, i know i should have paid more attention after she got given a grammy i’m particularly loving SUPER.WOMAN… it’s POWERFUL!! can’t get enough of that song mannn!! yeah anyway she’s good and i’m loving all the charity work she’s involved in, seen her grace alot of campaign covers of late… such a beautiful thing i tell ya!!

Okie, so i am coughing not good but i am taking medication and it really could be worse

We got a small drinking water tank thingy at work so since it came i’d always go for warm water but it’d be cold, so this morning i discovered why! basically no one ever bothered to turn the hot water on…so i did and right now i am on my 2 nd 1Ltr bottle of warm water it’s nice!

Can i just say it’s such a beautiful thing being in love…

esp with someone as fab as him…

the other day, i was giving him alot of att bse that little episode with ugly detty and yeah, so we sorted things out but still i had that taste in the back of my mouth and wasn’t 100% me i.e. i’d pick on EVRYTHING he did … so sato as we were heading home, he stopped me and went, “sweetie, i just want us to be friends… just be cool and not pick on everything… we both know how we feel and you know i love you so much” … so those words almost automatically got me and i had a mini a.ha moment right there… and we’ve been all head-over-heels again… yesterday he called to say he missed me… this morning he replied to my email almost the same second as i hit ’send’ lol… i know it’s small things but those are the things that say sooo much and go such a long way… we’re meeting up this evening for coffee i think… and i cannot wait

After work yesterday i headed straight home - as usual, changed into pjs, grabbed some potato salad from the night b4 and went to the living room. Everyone was home… so we vibed and vibed and then watched my sis gusa.ba tape and then…. power went! Yay…. Africa!!
Yahh, so we went on vibing….i told them stories, people were cracking up and on the floor… it was nice family time, i miss evenings like those. Usually, i get home and spend like 10 mins with the fam then head to my room… so it was nice having something diff for a change! making my mum, my sis and bro crack up and almost roll on the floor bse of laughter… beautiful thing!

I just got back from having lunch, has some cassava frites, spinach cooked in peanut sauce and some fish bits…. it was delicious. I am not sure what kind of a diet i am on now, seeing as i got sick of beans and veggies and chilli… so now am having alot of veggies and some carbs! i know, i know… but hell whatever! I am cool with it… maintaining my 2 Ltrs of water/day… trying to make it 3Ltrs a day… i mean when am at work, it’s possible bse my office is kinda’ close to the loo.

Mood: i am in a good and happy mood today, mainly bse of how things are going soooo well with my boo, lastnite family time, all the work i got done this morning and how much more i am going to do this afternoon - have decided to being a little tiny bit of a workaholic… bse i have such limited supervision at the office, so some days i can literally choose to NOT work and just fcbk, browse blogs, fool around and look busy when the boss is entering…. so i am looking to alter my ways and work, work….

On my mind: am looking to develop some sort of scope of work of things i’d like to work in for when the admin asst is recruited… areas i’d like to get more involved in alongside M&E … talking of which, i totally cannot wait for that admin asst to start… i get to do some serious and challenging ish at the office

I am missing some straw.berry cheese/cake man and a ceasar salad! LOL… i know i just had lunch but i wouldn’t say no to some s/berry cheese.cake man!

LOLL… ok, got nothing else to say for now… until next time…. ohhh yes, i do realise i still haven’t posted much on S.A but i promise to do so b4 a week’s time reaches.

Peace

honestly that’s what am craving for right now… i want the chicken too but i absolutely love their biscuits…. i want me some right this minute. Ahhhrgggghhhh

Anyhow, its a friday… hoooray. I am ofcourse as you can imagine thrilled at the idea of a weekend. I am going to post a rather random post today…

i am craving for anything oily… yet i have a big mug of hot water in front of me, i hear it’s for detoxing… i had serious food poisoning and am still trying to regain an appetite…

i want crisps… i want nice chips like the ones from fido dido with alot of ketchup and a bit of mayo too…

my tummy hurts

i am cutting my hair again… even shorter… it’ll look like La.toya Lon.don’s

can’t wait to start rocking that look oncemore

i hope they bring bi.toki.s for lunch today

why am i still not sure about what i am wearing at my sister’s wedding?

i want to travel… i want to go back on leave

i miss S.A…

i would like to something salty to eat right now

******* am boring myself….**** have to go now.

Peace & Maloves

This is going to be a short post, just passing by… it’s the 7th of January, ALREADY! Time went so fast, but am glad to be back at the office and back to ‘normal’ life… i had a wonderful time in S.A - Jo’burg is a lovely city, very very nice! I will drop details here and there when i get time to write a longer post. I am just extremely thankful to God for yet another year and all the many blessings He keeps showering down on me…

This year i am looking to do alot of BREATHING and GROW HIGH…

Unity, Love & Peace

1) moment to reflect on the current happenings in Kenya! God please deliver your children and teach them that non-voilence is the only way out! RIP all those who lost their lives fighting for what they believed is right.

2) RIP Benazir Bhutto - I admired your strength, femininity & courage - i pray for your family and your country - may peace be restored in Pakistan

It’s my last day at work this year!! That’s right am off until the 7th Jan ‘08… my friend (lol, thats my newly adapted word) am ofcourse very happy about that. It’s only 11:36AM and i feel like it’s been that time for the past 4 hours…. jeeezzz, i know i am being a bit inpatient, but my friend can it atleast be 1PM? so i can have my lunch break? hehhehe… ok, nuff of the whining… moving on.
Right, so christmas is in less than a week’s time and well let’s just say there really isn’t much fuss my side. I know there’ll be alot of cooking at home and really good food going around for days… which ofcourse will disturb my healthy eating routine i’ve had on for a bit.. but who cares right? Christmas comes once a year, i think i can manage to indulge! Ohh exciting news, i am heading to S.A!!! YAYYYY… am sooo happy and really looking forward to things people who donot live in very developed countries take for granted, like shopping malls, eating out, cinema.. wow. Super nice.
My plans for next year are to:
- get more involved at work
- develop a new addiction called curiosity
- read more
- laugh more
- healthy lifestyle
- get closer to my mum
- be more understanding
- live more consciously

Okie, i believe i should stop here! Few things i think i accomplished this year that i am proud of include being much much more conscious about my thoughts, decisions, people who i surround myself with, being true to myself and doing things that please me 1st then others… oh yeah, work too, i got about 3 steps from where i was this time last year which is definately complimenting my confidence and hopefully this time in 2008 i will be another 3-5 steps ahead

So coming all the way from Livin’A conscious life… HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Imagine that… i actually am the only one in the office and it’s only 11:31 AM. My boss and like 5 other colleagues travelled out of the country for a dissemination meeting. The other guys who stayed are out in town… working.
Anyhow, i can’t complain especially since i have NO pending work… so i’m just gonna surf and blog. Last nite i.e. the hen night, went very well… the bride(s) were very happy esp D. She was going down and getting her rock on. It was very very nice, calm and just good fun. I loved it. Plus i think i looked good, i finally got to launch my 1year old red peep-toe sandals!! They were yum yum. I left at around midnite because i had work today…!! Had been on a friday, i would have stayed till alte esp since they were looking to even go out clubbing. Damn. Anyhooo, i went to the re-opening of a club with me boo on our way home since he picked me from the party. It was fine, the place def looks nice and well re-done.
Ok, so few drops of what’s going on… the traditional wedding is 2moro for my girl D, we’re serving, grrrhhh but hey, it’s gotta be done. I think i might be ‘leaving’ 2nite, seeing as the place it’ll be at is like 2 hrs away and we need to be there early 2moro morning. So yeah, i’ll leave 2nite via yeah. heehhehe. Then, might have to spend the night there 2moro as well and come back sunday and head straight to the planning workshop on sunday… freaking guys at work who don’t respect people’s weekends… anyhow let me shushhh and be grateful i am attending i know if i wasn’t invited i would be hating. Right.
So i’ll be out of town for that plannning workshop till tuesday… then sato i have my uncle’s wedding, where i have to….DRUM ROLLS…. serve again!!! That’s totally fine, i shall complain not. Oh then the wkd after is D’s wedding then i might roll to S.A. on sunday if all stays according to plan…if not it’ll be new year’s and the party shall continue!!
I am honestly looking forward to all these plans…. it’s so exciting
Hmmmmm…. can’t think of anything else to blog about besides that i am sooooo tired since i slept late last nite… wen to bed at almost 2PM was up by 6:30AM and here i am at work. But i guess it’s a good thing i have not much to work on other if today was as crazy as my mondays/tuesdays are… lawd have mercy! I have cramps too, but i took some tylenol so hopefully i shall be fine.
Okie, incase i donot blog again today which is actually quite unlikely, have a great friday y’all!!

I am happy for not much in particular. I know it’s 5:02PM and i should be heading home any sec now, i know i have a bachelorette (for the chic who am bridesmaiding 4) party tonite which might end up in us going to check out the newly renovated club… yes its a thursday, i have a blue shirt on and i have already figured out my outfit in my head… am thinking white crisp H&M shirt, red waist belt, cute red beads, skinny dark blue jeans and probly my black heels or red ones… but probly black… hate overdoing the matching colour thing. Wanna pull off a mohawk… dont ask me how. I might be traveling for New Years, i figured last night it might be kinda nice… hehehe…. oh am braiding soon, for the wedding (mentioned above where i’ll be a maid) we have to have braids…. seeing as i have a short anita baker look going on…. yeah, what else. Some dude at work is rocking a suit today, i dont know why i find very very few guys smart in a suit… u gotta have the body ma’ men… if not find a nicely perfectly fitting one! Ay. But ofcourse my boo is one of those who rock a suit straightforwadly. Whatever that means. I am sooo excited about going out on a thursday, am actually looking forward to this party… i am very rarely syked for such… but hey. Anyhooo… let wrap up it’s 5:08PM… ding dong.

Peaceeeeeeee

I searched for you,
You did not come,
I stopped searching,
And there you were.

Surrender to the flow of the universe,
Without question, just let go.
Listen to the answers that come to you,
Without question, just do.

Wow, i have had one heck of a week… one of holding things in, mini self-conflicts, and so many other silly things that have been occupying my mind and clogging the flow of spirituality from entering my system… it’s been baaahhh… yuk! Don’t want to go into details, since i documented it privately. Okie, so now moving on.
I am feeling soooooo relieved and free from all the clogging… i have learnt so much this past week and surely i know that is somewhere i donot want to return to… ah ah.
Ahem. So it is finally friday, i am going to concert with my girlies… its a soulful jazzy type music group - which is like my ideal kind of music… mean to the while, jill scott’s latest album is insanely beautifully sexy! I lovoooooooz it! It’s hot man.
Right so am looking forward to dressing up tonite… actually am thinking heels, some makeup, fancy top and sexy skinny jeans…. i need to look good! heehhe… it’s been a while since i went out and right now am feeling it. So yeah, after it i hear there’s going to be a party, which i am somewhat skeptical about, not sure how that’ll be. But hey, let’s check it out… am even thinking we should hit the clubs and parttyyy and booogie!! So then, on sato i am looking to sort out my wardrobe which has been crying for help seeing as now when i am looking for something is kind of hectic!! Okie, i also need to go to the salon, probly fix my nails too… am feeling like a real woman today, LOL.
Ok, am scaring myself now with this post, let me stop here!

Peace out and lovely weekend guys!

Hello there, it has been a while and i am glad to be back here! Alas, it’s December already i.e. last month of the year! I am tempted to say the year has gone really fast, but i choose not to because when i actually THINK about it and all the happenings this year, i realise, hey January was quite a long time ago! It’s about time the year ended you know?! Alot has happened this year and there’s quite a significant amount of things i am proud to have achieved especially what i’ll like to call divine knowledge! Anyway, let me stop seeing as i hadn’t planned on blogging on that and will devote a whole other post to that!
Right, so what have i been up to of late… well
Work wise: we managed to finish the M&E plan and right now a colleague who’d been out of town is reviewing it, he’s got some experience in the area and i believe i will learn a great deal from him. So we’re gonna be working on it together - oh also we’re recruiting someone who i believe will be doing alot of the work am involved in right now so i can concentrate MAINLY on M&E…n the deadline for applications is this friday, which means am loving it!

R/ship: things are great, honestly i feel i donot fully COMPREHEND the level of gratitude i have for God sending me such a wonderful partner, this man doesn’t stop amazing me… so basically what happened was for the last week or so he’s been busy and so i was sort of not getting as much attention as my leo-self craves for, so i sort of disconnected a bit, not that we weren’t talking or anything, we actually were but i just sort of wasn’t there mentally (which is a horrible thing i shouldn’t repeat ever) anyway so this weekend he called me and we met and had a chat about it, he’d noticed and was getting worried, so yeah we talked about other small but crucial things that people in r/ships often take for granted or don’t think much into and i love that he sees these things and warns me, he seems to be sooo cautious about us and really doesn’t want to screw up anything esp unconciously! I am planning something nice sometime this week

Fam: Things are generally great, though i have just remembered i need to email my dad and check on him! Mums is fine, we clicking much better over time, ofcourse occasionally i snap and loose it, but i am aware of it and seriously working hard on it. Bro is ok, still job hunting and God i pray he gets something God over time, i am scared the joblessness might be doing something to him esp seeing everyone go out to work each morning except him! But i believe something great will come up! Amen. Sis is fine, still her busy successful woman self… love her to bits and i keep finding more and more things about her i simply adore, i think the purpose for this is for me to learn from her and be more like her

Friends: Ummm this section of late there’s not been much going on, except that i keep questioning myself for not clicking as much with some of my old friends, yes i know we grown and take diff paths but i guess that has made our realities now differ! So it’s not the same, ofcourse we cool and all but i think i demand more in a friendship, bonding! I guess i just need to open up more to the idea of people changing over time including myself and ofcourse i know God will bring people who share common interests as me into my life

Colleagues: Right, should i even include this, LOL as far as i know i just walk into the office, talk to these guys when necessary and then check out, lol. Ok let me not be mean, i guess am getting to understand them better, just that Mich one of the dudes here i have been seeing some patronising tendencies which i am disliking, but Yvonne is a cool woman, i guess i need to give her more credit in terms of her being genuinely nice! The others are ok, my boss ofcourse is still greatly a wonderful person to work with!

Ok i’ll stop her and get back to work now! I will blog soon.

Peace>>

Oh lawd, it feels gooooooooooooood!!! I just got a mini go-ahead for a project i have been working on… basically i was asked to draft an M&E plan for the project since if u recall, i spoke to my boss about it and was sort of put in charge of it! So yeah all week i have been trying to put together a plan/framework of hows its gonna go down M&E wise… yeah, so i submitted it to a colleague - the coordinator and he loved it! he said it made sense and made few suggestions! Et c’est tout! Basically, if feels good that it makes perfect sense i.e. i am in the right lane and things r looking up man! I am sooooo thrilled. I am ready to conquer the world so watch out world! LOL i know i am a bit lame but hey, its my blog and my right to say whatsoever i want!!
I feel so attached to this M&E thing that i am happy at the slightest thing basically i want to do it sooo bad and do it soooo well hence my excitement…!! Next steps are to sort of modify the framework etc and then submit it to my boss to have a final say on it… lalallalallalalalalalala.
Okie, ofcourse am also happy bse its friday meaning no work for the next 2 days… ima be my own boss etc etc… super cool, innit?!
I am planning to keep thinking about the framework but am totally not planning to actually get on my comp and do work… nah, ain’t happening. About my weekend, i am going for an interesting group therapy thing on women and colours LOL… am serious! random i know, but something about improving your look or something, personally i think its unusualness is going to be super interesting and possibly a good laugh too! Donc, i shall be very much there with my girlfriends… after we might go swimming seeing as i went swimming yesterday after like 2 years and have fallen in love with the sport all over again and wanted to even go today but yeah just couldnt happen… anyhow…. yeah so after that, we’ll probly do dinner or something, then maybe hang around a bit then go home. I am looking to rent some movies and stay indoors in my pjs and relax! I need that… especially seeing as i am feeling a bit content with work and my baby - M&E donc c’est tres perfet! Infact je trouve que c’est tellement magnifique!
Ah la la…

Nice weekend to everyone in the entire world except those in the north pole, its probably Monday already! So for all you north polers, i say nice days!

*Mwa*

It’s here… the time i have been waiting for… been praying for… the work is here now it’s my time to perform and prove myself to me, that i can grow! I am not going to settle where i am… i am well equipped and if i put in some hard work, i will do it! It’s in me… the strength, the ideas, the creativity… it’s all here now i have to just DO!

And yes indeed i am doing this…. because i am living to do and feel good….

it’s wednesday already and boy am i happy! That means tommorow is thursday i.e. the day b4 friday… friday i.e. TGIF! Cést grave i tell u! My week’s gone well so far, i handed in my M&E draft thingy with the indicators and all, we’re planning to go to the field tomorrow and i guess then i’ll start rolling out the M&E plan i developed, i am sooooo happy, excited, i feel like i am doing something that’s needed and important. Most importantly i am learning as i go and this is an experience that i will be able to apply to any part of my future career plans. It’s BEAUTIFUL. I love it. A’s gone out of the country for work for a week and will be back on friday, i am looking forward to that. Ohh and we have this funny plot for the 24th of this month, there’s a going to be a sort of group therapy thingy called talk and tea…LOL, kinda unsual for my setting but we’re going to all check it, it could be interesting and funny. So why not??!! Uh huh. Yeahh, i am on ep. 7 of UB which i am absolutely loving, it looks like it might get very interesting from now on… i can’t wait to check out ep. 9!! Also on DH, things seem to be steaming up… it lalatiful!!
Also, i am going strong with my healthy lifestyle, i have been working out and eating healthy for 3 days in a row now, just hope i maintain the momentum.
Okie, it’s only half 8AM i think i should get back to doing some serious work. I might blog later on today, but somehow i feel i might need to re-read my posts sometime before the week ends especially my PD blogs… i need some sort or revival for the weekend, i have been having a few hunches and instinctive ish going on, on my mind. I’m out for the mo.
Lerrra!!!

I am too embarrassed to re-read the posts i wrote on friday… i spent all beautiful friday being mad for no apparent reason… hehhheeh. Right after work, i changed… like that! I feel back, i know one of the points of this blog was for me to go thru my past posts and reflect - but posts like those 2 i am beyond embarrassed to have even written talk less of re-reading! Okie, so it’s monday - work is going well, i have started PC management - i am not very thrilled but hey, its gotta be done and while i am still working for others - i have to do what they want me to do. N’est pas? Ah oui, i might be going swimming with the girls tomorrow after work - i am sooo looking forward to that!!! That’s definately one habit i wouldn’t mind becoming addicted to… Few randoms on mind:

- What did A’s dream about me being dead mean?
- when is our decorder getting fixed… i am tooo bored when i am home - maybe the reason for this is for me to find a new addiction e.g. exercising!
- when am i going to finish up my M&E summary?
- i miss A soooo much!! 3 more full days till he’s back!
- I feel soooo positive that i am going to master M&E and really excel in it
- I feel like that’s it… it’s what i have always wanted to know - just wasn’t aware
- Is my bro’s internship gonna give him serious experience
- when’s my mum ever going to stop challenging my path towards living consciously?

Ok, i have to get back to work - so let me stop here.

To me, living consciously should also involve being healthy - so i have decided to start living healthy i.e. working out regularly and eating healthy. I am looking to make this a habit and won’t set a deadline. I would also like to loose a bit of weight and at least get to 59Kgs, i am not so far away need to loose about 6kgs to get there - my daily routine will include 1 litre of water, 1 pint of milk, cereal and 20 mins exercise. This time around i hope i stick to the plan.
I am also planning write my daily experiences in this healthy lifestyle i have decided to embark.

PEACE.

I just had an Aha! moment ala Oprah… well, i realised how i’ve been really being my own enemy today by consciously refusing to direct my thoughts to the positive! I was continually refusing to just think positive…
To be honest all morning it felt right - even half way thru this afternoon - it felt like i should just stay angry - but a few minutes ago, i found that being angry and throwing all those tantrums that will only come back to me via karma was really a useless choice because it still didn’t make me feel any happier - as a result therefore, i thought, hey why not just get over all the things that happened today, after all it is friday, it almost 4PM which means i got an hour left till freedom then i can enjoy doing my own things… and so, i went to the back of my journal where i wrote some notes while listening to what you really really really really want - by Wayne & Deepak and i was like hey - i can get what i really really want and i can also get what i really really dont want simply thru my thoughts. Then, i said to myself, ok then since i have pretty much gotten all the ‘really really dont want’ all day and last night - maybe it is time i moved on and started thinking about what i want atleast i know that will get me happiness and peace within - which dear friends, is why i am back on blogger, for the 3rd time today… and for once i feel a bit better because i am not focusing on what i don’t want, the dude who kinda drove me mad today, was teaching me a lesson on what i dont want, but from this moment onwards no matter what he does - shall focus on what i want which is LOVE, PEACE & HAPPINESS. It’s that simple to me. There are no buts, ifs etc… i choose to remain in my current state of mind and just enjoy the moment - there are way sooooo many things to celebrate in life for me to spend almost all day being angry for nothing majorly huge!

Ok, so i shall focus on these things and they should keep me going for a while i believe.

I send LOVE & HAPPINESS to everyone in the world.

Have a great weekend.

LOL… i hope this is my last post of the day - actually scrap that, i KNOW this is my last post of the day… so peace & light y’all, i am out!

Fucking hell… so following my previous post it is obvious i am still in a bitchy mood… i don’t get it? What is up with ppo today, i know i attracting this bullcrap, but i disagree that it’s only me causing this… almost everyone in the office is being a fucking asshole… what the hell is wrong with these people???? Ok, so this fucking asshole asked me to scan a doc for him since i was using the scanner already i was like cool… then i finished and saved it on his comp… i didn’t get a thank u which is fine with me - but oh no, did he stop there?? nope. He comes back like after an hour and goes ‘u didn’t scan the docs, did u?’ am thinking in my head, muthafucker is i agreed to do then why would i not have done it? Then i go ALL the way to this little sucker’s office and to show the doc to him, i show him and he goess ahhhh didn’t realise it was here… ofcourse u didn’t u retarded fucker. Again there was no thank you. The the doc opens and u will not believe this dude, he goes, ohhh why is it upside down??!! I just fucking ignored what he said and walked back to my desk… i can’t fucking deal with people like him… he’s being a pain and since i am already in a mood for fuckin sulking… i shall speak my mind and maybe feel horrible re-reading this post… but i don’t care… its how i feel at the moment and i am going to say whats on my mind. Bullshit ignorant asshole… with horrible people skills… the heck?
Grrrhhhh…
Oh gosh, its sad i feel this way esp since its fuckin friday, usually i’d be in the best of moods… but nope i am not. I am just down, down… and fucking hating being under.
It’s only 3:18PM…. i could have sworn it’s been 3 o’clock for 3 hrs now…. wtf? AHAhhrhrgggggg
YUK…i hate being so negative… i hate having to curse at people and being over ego-full… but fuck it…. its my day to just be mad! I know i will not gain anything form this but fear, more anger and hate… but dammit, let me.

Dammit, i am down this morning, i know its in my head and i can choose to feel good and happy, but somehow today i feel like i shouldn’t try and turn things around yet deep down i am not my happiest… it’s just small things at the office, i feel like i really need to get serious about starting up my own thing, i should focus on react and just do my own thing man… i am fed up with working for people, i know it has only been a year or so but still man, i can’t do this… people just mistreating and silently hating on me because 1 - i am young… only 22 and i get a good salary 2 - i am a woman surrounded by a majority of fuckin chauvinist assholes who don’t want to let me fit in… they want to do everything and be seen as workaholics who know what they’re doing. I am just fucking mad man… i hate this shit… i really think i wouldn’t be here this long if i didn’t have a boss like the one i have… i mean he really is the greatest boss ever… he really makes me want to put 200% into what i do, he motivates me, he gives me tasks that are of my level - being a uni graduate, he really inspires me alot. Grrrhhhh… i feel bad for being this angry, i should be more in control of my emotions and not be acting up like this after all the PD work i have been today - but am sorry today i am taking break, i will control my emotions tomorrow - thank you.
I need to fucking get serious about setting up my own business, i mean i could start with the mini project right now and still continue working here - because i cannot afford to miss out on that good money hitting my bank account end of each month - at least not yet. Really what’s holding me back? i ask myself - yes i know i need to get experience and do some intellectual work - maybe if i start my BIG project i will get more experience and more exposure - today, i just feel fucking exploited and freaking unappreciated by my colleagues - i mean, i why the sudden change? or is it me who’s changing? i don’t get it, but i see a bit of hate in their eyes when we speak and alot of disrespect for me too.. i can’t fucking do this crap for much longer! I need a fuckin break man. Grrrhhh. WTF?
Am i really asking for so much so soon? What is the problem… i need to practise patience i know and good things come to those who wait but dammit, i need to speak out today - atleast on this darn blog, i need to let out how the fuck am feeling.
I know i am not just mad my work - i agree that i did go to bed with a bit of baggage which isn’t right because that shit stayed on my mind all fucking morning - yes i am not as mad i was last nite - bse i realise that i might just be looking too much into the incident but dammit i donot appreciate the who situation! Give me a fucking break… why does anyone’s partner agree to meet up with a bitch who clearly is head over heels in love with him to freakin discuss a project - yes she got him to agree because it is on a topic he is very passionate about - but hwy the heck does a meeting that started at 8PM end at 1:30 AM???? Especially when it involves that particular bitch!! I am angry man, i fucking am. This is some serious bullcrap. I hate it hate it.
Yes it is friday and i should be doing my work, minding my own business and waiting for the clock to strike 5 so i head home for a good 64HOURS of being my own boss and doing what i please with my time.
Ohh man, i feel bad i have to be this angry… but today, let me just be! FUCK.

I think i might have found it…

It being…

My call…

Ur what? u might wonder….

Drum rolls….

My call in life…

LOL…

Ok maybe that’s a bit too dramatic, but yeah, i feel like i found it y’all… so basically the deal is that i have been thinking a lot about my job and about what i want to do ultimately i.e. trying to get a good idea about what i eventually want to do - what i see myself doing 6 yrs down the road etc… so my point was to know what that is and then start working towards it right now, i.e. decide what experience i’d require that would compliment and be of much use to my ultimate plan!
So it has indeed been a difficult think to try figure out, because it’s like what i’d always thought i’d do in the future back when i was at uni started sounding unappealing to me.. so i was getting confused and basically not sure about things… so this has sort of been the ‘’story of my life'’ for the past few weeks… it hasn’t been fun that i can assure you!
Anyway, so this monday i had a chat with my boss and he was asking me how work is going so far and what am interested in doing… so i told him i wanted to get experience in monitoring and evaluation bse i feel its broad and a very interesting subject! he was thrilled at the idea and told me kabisa that’s good because we’re going to start doing alot of it for both our programs… so yeah the past few days i have been doing some self tutoring on it and am absolutely loving it!! I am enjoying it and i can say indeed it looks like my thing, i have found it… i could do it almost with any institution be in gov’t, NGO, private sector u name it… so am honestly going to put my heart and soul into it and excel in it… am thankful to have been given such a option and am going to really make the most out of it…

So that ladies and gentlemen is my IT.

Ciao!

I have been hearing and reading a lot about the laws of attraction or in wayne dyer’s words ‘manifestation’ basically meaning that we should focus our thoughts on what WE want i.e. donot spend all day thinking about how bad things are because that’s what you shall continuously receive. He says ‘As you think, so shall you be’ and basically that the currency of what you want in the material world = Money and the currency of what you want in the metaphysical world = thoughts. Simple as that.
This is the same thing that is being said in the very hyped book, the secret… it’s all about using your thoughts to attract what you want i.e. be careful what you choose to focus your thoughts on because those are what you will manifest.

As you may notice in my post yesterday, i was talking about how sad i was and i have constantly had the feeling that something bad might be happen to me at work… and silly enough i have been focusing on that.

But today,

I choose differently, i choose to create work even when i am not given, i believe that the divine will somehow find a way of getting my feelings about wanting more responsibility at work out there and it will come to …

I will have to just stay focused, shift my thoughts to that phase of when i have gotten all the responsibility when i am truly happy that i am contributing significantly to my job.

That is going to be my manifestation… i shall not turn this into something sad, i will create and create it until it materialises…

Yipeee…. i am ecstatic! I really am.

I am doing this!

It has been a while since i blogged, i know. I won’t lie that i have been caught up in alot because to be honest i haven’t been up to very much. I have been wanting to blog about my work for a while now and have been contemplating what i’d drop on here when i finally do. I finally think i got something to say.
So the way it is, is that i have been thinking a lot about what i am getting out of my job and whether or not it is in line with my future plans. Thing is i am still a bit unsure about what i want to do in the future…i know i want it to be something that impacts the community i.e. helps people positively. I want to do work that directly helps people in need hence my original plan of setting up an NGO that works either with women or children. Of late i have been thinking of something to do with education… because i look at how far it has gotten me, my friends, my parents and i know for sure that it is very very important! So yeah, i feel like that’s the kind of work i’d like to grow up doing i.e. i can see myself doing that when i’m 40! Right, so that’s pretty much my ultimate career plan and am thinking if that’s the plan, then i should be doing alot more work in my current job that prepares me for that. I need to learn how to manage an NGO, how to run it, manage people, building partnerships with other NGOs etc.
Right, so this all makes sense right, i mean my plan is to have a talk with my boss i.e. the director of the project to tell him i would like more responsibility and more work that is challenging. I would like to work more in the field and get serious hands on experience… this all seems to make sense but the challenge is that in the line of work we do, it’s mainly technical guys who go to the field i.e. to help with things like pharmaceutical management, financial management etc… and somehow i am not managing to get how i’ll fit into that… which sort of leaves me to only have to work with the guys here in the city office esp since i would rather not be going out of town no more.
So i have been wondering how i am going to fit in my work and the work i want to start doing along with my ultimate end plan i.e. setting up my own NGO. Hence why this is all about gaining experience i.e. what kind of experience do i want to gain?

Right, so let me try create a list:

EXPERIENCE IN GENERAL MANAGEMENT AND RUNNING OF AN NGO/PROJECT

1. Learn more about building partnerships
2. Learn about supervising work being done on the field

Grrrhhh.. this seems to be getting more complicated because realistically i am not sure how interesting this is… but then again, is it about interesting or not? It is not about me, it is more about what i am doing for the community and how i am working in my way towards making a difference…

3. Ok so generally grasping more about how a project is ran, participate in meetings that are held
4. Relationships with donors and how it all goes down
5. Writing reports, work plans etc… Actually, i was thinking i would very much like to understand more about how quarterly work plans are done, what do they base on?
6. Hmm, so this thought just popped into my mind about doing maybe a week or so in one of our intervention districts just grasping the general idea of the type of work we do on a day-day basis. What are the DHAs involved in? Hmmm.
7. I need to get more experience in working with district authorities, what the major procedures we have to follow are etc etc

I think i will stop for now. I will keep my thoughts on this new route i have decided i am taking also, i am thinking as soon we have this project communication thingy on the road and ready to go, i can have the chat with the boss i am hoping to do so by the end of this week.

I’m doing this.

Hmm. SO yeah, the big day is tomorrow. My sister is getting married and tomorrow is the 1st bit i.e. the traditional introduction (gusaba). I feel a bit nervous about it because its the first time it’s happening in our family, ofcourse am happy for her, but i just want things to go perfectly smoothly. I am in charge of quite a bit of things and i don’t know how i’ll cope but i am going to make sure it all goes well because this is my only sis we talking about here…!!! It has to go well… i shall not sit down all day tomorrow if that’s what it takes to ensure it goes well. So yeah, am all geared for it… got tylenol to sort me out just in case… proper ready for it. Just thought i’d blog about how am feeling the day before such a memorable day! I pray it doesn’t rain and that things work out just fine.

MY MANIFESTATION:

I seek to understand
I speak of we, I and I, us and our
I seek to glorify God
I seek to uplift others.
My focus is on the solution(s)
I offer gratitude and gives thanks in all things
I practice humility
I seek to be of service toward God and to others
I say “These things I do, you shall do and greater”
I know that what you give multiplies
I am moved by love
I stand in the light of truth
I am motivated by challenge
I am inspired by faith
I seek peaceful resolution
I seek to be used by God
I seek to unify
I know no limits
I am aligned with the omnipotence of God’s presence
I stand in the Majesty of Grace

THE MASTER VS. THE EGO
Copyright 2003 by Dr. Keefa Lorraine Weatherspoon

The Master seeks to understand
The ego seeks to be understood
The Master speaks of we, I and I, us and our
The ego speaks of me, my and mine
The Master seeks to glorify God
The ego seeks self-glorification
The Master seeks to uplift others.
The ego seeks self-importance
The Master’s focus is on the solution(s)
The ego’s focus is on the problem(s)
The Master offers gratitude and gives thanks in all things
The ego complains, often
The Master practices humility
The ego is boastful and arrogant
The Master seeks to be of service toward God and to others
The ego is self-serving
The Master says, “These things I do, you shall do and greater”
The ego says: “I’m special”
The Master knows that what you give multiplies
The ego counts its losses
The Master is moved by love
The ego is driven by fear
The Master stands in the light of truth
The ego cowers in the shadow of fear
The Master is motivated by challenge
The ego is paralyzed by opposition
The Master is inspired by faith
The ego is overcome with worry
The Master seeks peaceful resolutions
The ego seeks to attack and destroy
The Master seeks to be used by God
The ego seeks to use God
The Master seeks to unify
The ego seeks aloneness, separation and division
The Master knows no limits
The ego knows only lack
The Master is aligned with the omnipotence of God’s presence
The ego has no power
The Master stands in the Majesty of Grace
The ego cowers in the shadow of guilt.

It’s already mid october and i find myself wondering what i’ve achieved in 2007? Just got few questions from a website to get me thinking and they will be answered sometime in december…

1. What did I learn?
2. What did I accomplish?
3. What would I have done differently? Why?
4. What did I complete or release?
5. What were the three most significant events of the last year?
6. What did I do right?
7. What were the fun things I did? The not-so-fun?
8. What were my biggest challenges? How did I overcome them?
9. For what I am grateful?

“IF WE ALL DID THE THINGS WE WERE CAPABLE OF, WE WOULD ASTOUND OURSELVES”
Thomas Edison

Ohhhh wow, just saw this quote it gives me goosebumps just reading it… it’s amazingly true, omg! I am definately inspired.

I was listening to Wayne Dyer this morning, somehow i find it amazingly refreshing to listen to him in the mornings when i can… he seems to set things into perspective and boost me more with courage, confidence, love and appreciation for a bright new day!
Ok, so in this particular audiobook he was talking about 8 questions we should ask ourselves…
1. IF YOU DISCOVERED YOU SUDDENLY DISCOVERED YOU HAD 6 MONTHS TO LIVE, WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY?

2. IF YOU WERE TO PICK FROM SCRATCH REGARDLESS OF YOUR PAST ETC, WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO LIVE WITH? I.E. WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE WOULD YOU SURROUND YOURSELF WITH?

3. WHERE WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO LIVE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD?

4. HOW MUCH SLEEP DO YOU THINK YOU’D GET IF YOU HAD NO CLOCK?

5. HOW MUCH AND WHEN WOULD YOU EAT IF THERE WAS NO SUCH THING AS MEAL TIMES?

6. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF THERE WAS NO SUCH THING AS MONEY? WHAT ACTIVITIES WOULD YOU BE INVOLVED IN DAILY?

7. HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU DIDN’T KNOW HOW OLD YOU ARE?

8. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF WITHOUT USING ANY LABELS?

I think these are rather brilliant questions that get u questioning alot of things you do daily… it gets you thinking for sure. I will post some of my answers to these questions later.

Wow, i only got to hear this prayer thru India’s song and i actually thought she wrote those words, but apparently its a quote from the 17th century or something…. i love it, it’s very refreshing and healing.

*******************************************************************

God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that i cannot change,
Courage to change the things
that i can change,
and the Wisdom to know the difference

Amen

I’m listening to more Wayne Dyer and i have decided to listen to 5 ways each week and try practise one of them daily:
The idea behind these ways is that in order to change our lives, we must change our thoughts and words! To transform means to change form/ go beyond your current form….
Here goes:

1. Know and believe that divine intelligence exists.. there’s divinity in everything and we have the power to use this to create a life of bliss… if there’s divinity in everything, you too have divinity.

2. The right way to live our lives perfectly in in us. Look inwards rather than outside for answers… donot outsource…insource.

3. Become aware that there are no ‘’accidents'’ in the universe… everything that shows up in our life has something to teach us. We should appreciate everything that comes our way.

4. Draw your inner energy from the beauty that surrounds you…see the fullness of God ins everyone and everything and find bliss in that

5. Be peaceful, experience silence, meditate… be in contact with the higher being/God. You find answers from silence…from peaceful moments. You find peace, solitude in silence and realise that God’s one and only voice is in silence. Go within and find bliss…

***************************

Wow, what wonderful words to marinate on this weekend!

Listening to Dr Wayne Dyer’s “Creating your life with your thoughts” audiobook, i got inspiration to write this post. It might inspire someone who’ll stumble over this blog - just like it did me.

The point that Dr Dyer is trying to get across is just as the title of this post suggests i.e. as you think so shall you be. Right, some of you might wonder how exactly do you mean?? You mean if i think i have a bentley, i shall have one… hehehe, ok well it’s not that shallow…. there’s a whole lot of thinking behind this. He argues that there is this inexplicable power in being able to put our attention/thoughts to what we want and it happens. This can however only be done if we banish our doubts, fear, shift our belief system to that of a knowing.
The idea is that if we focus all day on things in our life that we donot want or that we dislike, those things will continuously happen, because we focus so much on them… he gave an example of how this little girl (neighbour to Dr Dyer) called *Sally, used to always suck her thumb and each time her father saw her, he’d yell at her to take her finger out of her mouth… and for some reason the kid would never manage to stop doing so… the father always focused on her not stopping to do so and so it continued but everytime Sally would go to Dr Dyer’s he’d congratulate her on finally stopping to suck her thumb even though she still was… and just before the father would come back to pick her up she’d be suck-thumb-free… and Dr Dyer would tell Sally’s dad how great she’d been and hadn’t sucked her thumb for over 2 overs… Sally would be all excited about how she’d managed to do so…. when they got home and Sally’s dad would continue to lecture her about stopping to suck her finger, it would happen.
I’m not sure if this is the best example and if its easy to understand, but the idea is that if we focus our thoughts on what we want as opposed to what we donot want, those things somehow happen!
We control our thoughts, we’re the origin of what we choose to think about… we create our reality with our thoughts. What we think about expands…. if we really really really want something, we should think of it, marinate on that thought… maintain that vision… then it happens… but we continuosly think about we cannot have, what we donot want those things stay! Dr Dyer argues its as simple as WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT EXPANDS… if you think you are not in a right relationship, your thoughts focus on all the wrong things and you find urself finding only faults with your partner, you cannot get these wrong doings out of your mind then automatically the relationship sucks, and you donot even realise that you created that reality for yourself… we should focus on what we want to be done.

Always stay with your thoughts in order to bring them into form - Dyer

When we realise the truth in this, we realise that we need to be real careful what we think! i.e. what Dr Dyer calls Manifesting your destiny…
He gives an example of Oprah. He knew her from way back when she was a co-host in Baltimore and pretty much watched her grow into the successful woman she’s become and one day he got invited on her show. So as he’s in the green room, she enters to meet her guests and he tells her “Congratulations on becoming such a successful person as you have become” and she replies “Thank you, I created it” as simple as that… she focused on the thought, didn’t let go of it… didn’t have any doubts or hold backs about it and it happened. Simple as that… marinate on your thoughts and watch your life change hence, as you think, so shall you be!!!
Wow, am inspired!

I am thankful this thursday for:

- Waking up this morning and getting to enjoy today
- All my friends and family being relatively happy and healthy
- Having a job i like and that pays me well
- My brother graduating
- My growing knowledge of myself and of consciousness
- My partner
- Internet connection (lol, but 4 real dawg…lol)
- being healthy
- having no major worries on my mind
- being FREE and able to pretty much do whatever i please
- tommorow being friday!
- having chilled back colleagues
- not letting my boss telling me that i won’t be picked up to work by the company car no more bother me much
- having good TV at home to unwind to when i get home from work
- the 21 day plan am on - 4 down/ 17 more to go… yipee!

That’s it this week on Thankful Thursday!

Be thankful y’all…. it’s FREE and a good way to keep in tune with the free things in life.

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace;
that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
that where there is error, I may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.
Amen.

After being very inspired by that piece of writing (see previous post), i am compelled to think about everyone currently in my life, what their reason in being in my life is, those who were but aren’t anymore… so i’ll just write in no particular order…

My mother: her reason for being in my life is to bring out the best in me - now, she’s probably the hardest person to get along with in my family, but that’s because unlike everyone else who give in to all my requests, demands, suggestions, she questions them. She wants things done the way she sees are the right way, and me being the kind of control freak i like to be, i see that immediately as a threat and hence just not getting on well with her - but what i haven’t always realised was that by responding to her the way i do, i am only being very low - i am supposed to learn from her, because all she’s there for is for me to be the best i can be i.e. patient, humble, loving, understanding, respectful. I am learning to take every interaction/challenge from her as a lesson, that will force me to choose a response that is either towards the light or towards fear and hopefully over time, they will all be towards light =)
Am soooo glad and relieved that i am finally able to see our relationship in this way, it all makes so much sense and is the reason she’s how she is and why she’s my mother.

My father, brother & sister: I choose to put them all into the same category because they are somewhat the same - they are very laid back, easy going, very loving, kind, patient, funny and just good people. They are what i want to be. They are there to show me how i should be. They are there to teach me how all these things are achieved. They are where i want to be and maybe even past. They have remained consistently themselves and that’s why i know they are for real =)

My partner: He is my main source of awareness, he is one of the reasons i am on this self discovery journey - the reason i am learning me so immensely. he is a deep thinker, a loving, peaceful, funny, great laugh and soulful person - he is where i want to be and he teaches me each day how to get there. Being soulful isn’t something one’s born with but rather, a journey one must consciously embark on by continuously enlightening one’s self through reading, thinking, listening all this ego-free. He is there to convince me, that i am a good person, that i can be better if i choose to live my life consciously, he is there to teach me love, love, love.

Claude (the cleaner/office clerk@ work): Now, this guy and i have until very recently failed to get on, basically we have totally failed to gitch each other. First i tried to control him and wouldn’t understand how him a cleaner would take 20mins to get me a bottle of water - i didn’t realise it was the attitude i asked him for the water with that leads to such a response, i wouldn’t understand why when i called him eventhough he was only few feet away he wouldn’t respond that it was because of HOW i called him - so i decided to respond by trying as much as possible to avoid him, i’d bring my own water so i don’t ask him, i’d go photocopy my things, just so we donot have any contact - and this only led to hatred and so much anger - i realised only recently that i should treat him the way i’d like to be treated, so i decided to start doing so, i’d speak to him politely with respect and his response was amazing, he did everything well, on time and now we cool… so his role was to teach me that no matter a person’s status, people should all be treated the same, just like i’d to be treated… thanks Claude!

My colleagues: (Yvonne, Michel, Bosco) You all teach me purity, respect, love and understanding. You do things with good intentions and seem to live happily… you are in my life to show me that sometimes i just need to chill, be good, have purely good intentions and things will go right.

My high sch friends (Gp 1): You all came into my life to make me discover a whole other side of me i didn’t know i had, you all brought the madness in me and sometimes i took this to another level which i am not so proud of such as bullying, manipulative, judgemental etc… but i needed this journey, i needed to have you all in my life at that point in my life so i could create a contrast and know what’s right and what’s wrong - you were/are all fun and great people whom i love to bits, you came into my life and taught me lessons i absolutely needed at that point in my life and i thank you for this =)

My high sch friends (Gp 2): Your quietness, your observing nature is pure. Your friendship, your nonjudgmental nature inspires me to this day. You always seemed to be in control of everything, i thought you were like me, but now i see you weren’t… maybe i am now like you/ or so i’d like to think… be the pensive and quiet observer - with no analysis/judgement involved. I have also noticed that i am not the only one joining your group now, but also some friends from gp 1. =)

My uni friend (Sim): You remind me of how i’d like to be when i grow up =) you are such a pure, loving and beautiful woman. You are sooooo intelligent that sometimes i don’t understand how you do it, how you manage to know all the things you do. Your love for people, for the world is such an inspiration and i see why you are in my life - to create the picture of what i should look like when i have re-shaped myself. You are amazing and i love everything about your spirit, all the experience you have had have only made you better and you have remained insanely positive about everything. Your energy and enthusiasm for almost everything is so refreshing and enriching to me - u r an amazing woman. Thank you for coming into my life, the reason you are in it is so clear to me =)

My uni friend (N): You came into my life at the point you did to make me be able to understand human nature to an extent. You came in to show me an alternative way in which people think and live their lives - you came to show me contrast. I am thankful for the lessons you taught me - i learnt a great deal from them =)

—————————————————————————————

I will stop on those for now, they’re the first ones to pop into my mind, maybe as i go on, i’ll reflect on other people and their reasons for coming into my life, but the post (below) was empowering and inspiring and i am glad it got me thinking (above).

Light & Quietness =)

PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON!

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a season, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank everyone for being a part of your life, as I do, whether they were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

**Enjoy this piece… so true…inspiration… lightFUL!

You are amazing. You are the creation of yourself. You are that which creates. You are the choice to experience existence – beingness. The only limit to what you can be is your self-belief and your imagination. To be born into this reality is to enter a wonderful, shared illusion that grants you complete free-will in the creation of your own personal reality; this is your creatorship. Within the illusion we believe that we are looking at a separate, objective world where we experience self and other; beneath this apparent separation we are unified; we are one.

Reality is a mirror of your being. You are creation exploring itself in a space-time mirror. Through what you choose to believe you create your reality. You change your reality by changing your beliefs about both it and yourself. The eyes with which you look actually shape what you see (this is now shown in quantum physics). Perception is not passive; it is an act of creation. Your choice of perception forms not only how you experience yourself, but your entire reality. Awakening to your creatorship leads your experience of reality to become more fluid and direct. This is to enter conscious creatorship where what you desire is quickly manifest.

The key to conscious creatorship is the allowance of change; the birthing of the unknown into the known. The basis of allowance is acceptance. To change your reality you must first accept it. As long as you reject what you do not like about your reality you are in denial of your creatorship, leaving you feeling stuck. To accept that you are choosing your reality, release attachment to any preconception of how life should be and instead love what is. This comes through the taking of complete responsibility for every element of your reality. This is to love your choice. It is to love yourself. You are the choice of yourself.

Release your fear. Fear is fear of the unknown, fear of being limitless. Fear creates limitation. There is a natural, beautiful unfolding to life that can only arise when you let go of the control that arises through fear. To face your fear is to allow yourself to be vulnerable and put down the shields you have used to protect yourself. All shields are a representation of a belief in danger and therefore lead you to the very danger you want them to protect you from. Whilst you are barricaded behind shields (fear) you will never truly feel safe. All that blocks you in life is the manifestation of your fear.

The discovery of freedom is the realization that the only force pushing against you is you.

You hold the key to any cage you may be in. To cease to judge and control your own being is to release struggle and enter joyful, effortless creation.

You are awakening to your creatorship and the nature of the illusion. This is a natural process and requires no more than fearlessly being yourself. This means opening and following your heart. This is your freedom: believe whatever your heart feels to believe. This is to live in the Now. It is to awaken to the equality of all beingness and release judgment of both yourself and the world. Ever changing truth is the reflection of the ever unfolding birth of beingness that is life. In this state there is no such thing as ‘The Truth’. There is no need of an answer for there is no problem. Just be. There are no limits to what you can be; you are infinite. The joy of this life arises through completely allowing your own being.

Within your heart is a dream. The meaning of life is to live that dream. You can only live that dream if you believe you can. Believe in your dream. You are free to be whatever it is you wish to be. You are an embodiment of all creation. The answer to every question you can conceive is within you, for you are both the creator and perceiver of all you experience. Allow your beingness to blossom without limitation or control and you will experience the limitless love and freedom that you are.

it’s only mid september and it’s raining this heavily already… wow, didn’t expect it at all! Moving on, so after the yesterday’s post revelations yesterday… i kept thinking about my personal weekly template thingy i was meant to commence..ha! For real though, i need to get started and see how useful it’ll be…meanwhile, am so excited… two days in a row of exercising…how majorly cool is that…? Let me chill a bit and see what I’ll be saying in a week…! Awww, so i am writing this post while checking out an old uni friend on fcbk and i remembered on her graduation i was sat behind her folks, all decked in african attire… and when they called her name out… he mum got up, lifted her hand up and said.. ‘HALLELUYAH’ that had to be the cutest thing ever… everyone else was screaming, whistling when there friend/family member/whoever was called… but no, not her….! To me, that wasn’t just emotional but deep i tell ya.
i am wondering the following things too:
- when am going to ever go for my postgrad studies
-what my postgrad will be in (right now am thinking, an MPH - public health, MBA or something else that’s not narrowed down… am thinking MBA would be very ‘broad’ in the sense i want it to be in… so yeah… but then again, given the field i am currently working in, am thinking maybe an MPH… that way i could get more knowledge and be able to give more to the project… but somehow i am still doubting… MBA, MBA…. now an MBA am scared of, students doing MBA programs seem to be sooo well learnt, enjoy discussions, presentations, they know everything, think analytically… pretty much everything i am not very good at… but on the other hand am like hey, isn’t that what i’d be there for…. to IMPROVE MY SKILLS & KNOWLEDGE??
- If i will be able to go for my postgrad same time as my boo which would be very ideal… that way we donot get to do distance…
- if i will ever get to have THAT talk with my boss? the talk where am asking for more responsibilities than i currently have? where i am asking for more technical work.. stuff that i know little about but need to improve?

That’s ALL FOLKS!

Nevermind the random subject, well not quite random since am sipping a strawberry milkshake as my keyboard is being hit… uh huh, it’s monday few minutes till my lunch break. I had a great weekend, not comprising of alot of activities but nevertheless great! I am currently caught between entering only ‘constructive’ posts unto this blog or my everyday random ramblings… i still think that i need these randomblings for memories… small details etc, because sometimes i look back in my archives and am thrilled at the events that were going on in X part of my existence and of course the constructive bit requires no reason, it speaks for itself. Yeah.

So i have meaning to finish up my work plan for the charity am looking to set up - i have alot of it done, just need to seat down probably for a good 2h30mins straight and down it all on word. Thing is that i get home from work mostly at 7pm… then i usually go to bed at 9pm… thing is that i could possibly add an extra hour and be going to bed at 10PM…that way i can finish up project 1 (charity)…! Which is so close to my heart and really requires URGENT action.
on the otherhand, i have been thinking that maybe i should 1st focus on project 2 (pili squared) then i can generate enough money to run project 1… as in probably in the next year or 2. Project react really requires alot of time, devotion and money which at the moment i donot have as much. OK, so am thinking maybe at the mo’ i could probably do most of the paperwork and then when i get the money, time i’ll just go right ahead. Still don’t know… but then again, why don’t i know, i needn’t have doubt, i can be sure about… ok
another try: ok, so i am going to do the planning for project 1, help mum with her’s and then focus on project 2… which requires woiiieee…. some serious focus!

This morning on my way to work, the driver had the BBC on and they said today 17th sept 2007… and the driver goes “gosh, the month is almost over, infact the year”and ofcourse i do realise how fast it’s gone and it’s soooo easy to get caught up in the midst of doing things that u donot realise how fast time has gone… according to John Lennon who said “Life is what happens to you while you’re making other plans” ITS SOOOO DAMN TRUE… it goes and we barely notice how fast time flies… so now am thinking i should prepare a weekly report of myself… LOLL prepare a template that has all the activities i need to do outside work weekly so i can stay on track and maintain some sort of balance and awareness in my life… i don’t know if i’ll be able to continue using it past the 1st and 2nd time i do… but i wanna try! I really need to do this to be aware and sort of keep track of my days/weeks… ya know?? I think it’s do-able… i shall motivate myself and try making it last… it’s all a matter of time to get used to it then it could probably become part of my routine!!

Besides that i have been thinking about RELIGION of late… i realise the need to have faith based beliefs in my life… i have of late been slacking alot and i do realise i’m responsible for this… but man, i am just not sure about certain things… for this subject, i shall stop here for now…. (note to self: write a whole post on my take on religion…!)

Meanwhile, i am rather addicted to facebook nowadays and i spend alot of time on it doing rien! Ofcourse i realise addiction is caused by unconciousness, i could choose to do something else with my time such as work on my projects, blog or ummm, read a book! I will work on this issue…

Lunch is ready i need to go get some beans/veggies or anything else that’s healthy!

I shall stop here, but wow… writing this post has got me thinking quite alot… writing rocks! I love this.

ME: In my H&M knee length courdroy skirt, my flat black pumps form primark, a white shirt with tiny little black and gry strips from Primark and my H&M light grey jumper on top… MY DESK: a bottle of mineral water, a calendar, my green pen, 2 articles, a hole puncher, my black bangle, my motorola RED cell, my MAC lip balm, my bunch of keys, and alas my Dell laptop. MY OFFICE: an annoying fly that just doesn’t seem to want to leave - grrrrrhhh!
Heheheh, i am so bored as you can clearly tell - i did quite a bit today. Umm, the weekend was very fine, i feel like i rested quite a bit. We did the photo shoot for icon - gosh, we seem to have started! It went excellently well, my girls were around to help us, lawd knows how much we need those extra hands. Ummm, so saturday pretty much all day we were doing that..in the evening he came home and hung out with me, sis & mums… it was nice and chilled out… very cool as a matter of fact. Ummm, so yeah after that i went to bed quite late, i think few minutes past midnite, was on fcbk! LOL, just messing and lazing around, ya know how it is. Uh huh, so yeah sunday, i got up quite early… did a bit of TV - eastenders, tyra show, Big brother… ya know, things of the sort… it was nice… then i took a nap when elec went…was woken up by my cell, it was him calling, he wanted to go into town for coffee and to meet some of the models who helped…to thank them… didn’t manage to do so, but atleast i got my caramel drizzle, will hook up with the models this evening, hopefully.
So we hung out till around 7PM, i hurried to leave so i could make it in time for the sunday live eviction show at 7PM only to get home and find there was still no power! Lawd, times like this i wish i wasn’t in Africa…grrrh. Anyhow, so yeah.. i ended up just playing music for my little ones and singing along with them, luckily i could access the internet thru my GPRS and ummm, yeah my battery lasted for a good 2 hours and fin it died… just before mums & sis got home, so it was quite brilliant and ummm, not so bad after all. So i am just praying since it’s 4:49PM right now, that by the time i get home say in the next 30mins, i’ll find power back and i can watch the big bro recap at 7pm…i hope!!!!
Besides that i have been put in charge of organising a workshop that starts in 2 weeks, all the logistics etc are all on my name, so ummm…lets see how that goes. I am just not amused at the fact that i will spend 2 days w/o seeing my 1 since the workshop is taking place up freaking country….grrrrrhrhhhh, why do i have to go? i mean i can plan and all, but really why do i need to attend? anyhooow ummm, things are just ummm there.
LOL… i better leave now, i am honestly boring myself by right about now…to be honest.

1 more day till the weekend. I am so happy! Cannot wait to chill home all day just lazing around. Hmmm…it’s only 3PM…2 more hours till work ends, but it’s ok, i mean i guess that means only 2 more hours left to freedom. I just got back from lunch, i went into town to have lunch with the girls and it so happened there were like 5 other guys there, lol. Anyway, it was nice. Lunch was good…i ate! Half a plate of fries, ketchup and mayo it wasn’t bad.Took few pictures, it was nice… ok… tralalala, i dont know what to blog about. I actually wouldn’t mind some toffee ice cream….ahem, i shouldn’t be thinking that because today i am going to gym, been saying so since monday and it’s thursday man, this ain’t right or tight…lol, how cheeeky! Ohhh ok, let me stop here, boredom is tooo much!

As i turned 22 only less than a week ago, i have decided to change certain things in my life, my thoughts, lifestyle…etc i want to free myself!

The theme for my 22nd year on this earth is liberation! I am freeing myself, breathing freshly and i want to go to beautiful…i want to purity me and then set myself free from all the things/thoughts that i have had that only stop me from being the best i can be and reaching my full potential - i intend to apply this to my love life, work life, friendships, react… i am looking to commit a lot of time to this and ensure that in a year’s time i have reached somewhere with my target of freeing myself… i’ll continue to stay conscious and i hope to do this by re-refering to my blog and reading my thoughts….hopefully i will notice some changes in the thoughts i have over time and what’s going in my life. I intend to maximise time spent doing what i LOVE…as opposed to spending hours watching big brov on telly, maybe grap a book and even if my concentration lets me read a chapter in 2 hours…fair enough, but i’ll gain some knowledge…
I intend to define me, the person i really am and the things i want to get rid of and those i want to adapt… i really want to go to beautiful - which lays in my soul…
I WANT TO “BEGIN TO SEE MYSELF AS A SOUL WITH A BODY RATHER THAN A BODY WITH A SOUL”

It’s friday - i wish you all a great weekend.

Love & humbleness

ha, i seem to be back t blogobsession…lol, ok maybe obsession is too strong a word, but dang i was here only yesterday and here’s another entry! Hmm, interesting. Ok, this is mainly due to the slightly unproductive day i’ve had at work all afternoon….jus can be bovvadd…ya kna’mean???!! I am tireddd…i wanna go home, it’s sooooo hot this afternoon and am rocking a jumper (sleeveless) and yes i’m burning but damn, i feel like i looooks hot so damniit amm burrrnn mais stay hot! LOL. BOREDOMMMM….i was meant to meet A for lunch but he ditched me last minute…lol, not quite, he had to get his car from the garage and it took longer than he’d thought….and yes i know we are meant to meet this evening but still si lunch and evening too would have been nicer? LOL…am so lame, i have nuffin to blog about except that a certain friend of mine who i was meant to go visit this weekend, bse she’s going back ‘home’ next monday will burn/shoot me because i can’t make it any more, ofcourse this isn’t my choosing, it’s ofcourse a la cliche ‘circumstances far beyond my control’…donc, it’ll have to be another time! Ha, it’s 5PM….yipeeeeeeeeee!! Iz mean, outs of the office, n’ingoga cyane! Am overjoyed ofcourse…so now hopefully A is done now to come pick me up. Ahem. doubrriittt, that will be another ummm…20 mins minumum still sat on this fregggggin seat…..grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhh, but lawd, can i not relax and focus on the positive things in my life like i did yesterday…i am meant to return to my spiritual path asap…so ummmm, vuba se!!
OK, i am choosing to not have any negative thoughts all evening today and to keep in mind all thats been going down UP in my life, stay positive and shine!!
Seee…..keeping a positive mind helps, just spoke to A and he’s coming to get me right now, LOLLL….am goingggg LOL….negativity again…ahhhrrrggggghhhh! Am out.
Tranquility xx

Thankful to God for waking up this morning, thanking Him for all my friends, family being fine. Thanking him that i have a good job, thanking him that i have A in my life, thanking Him for everything else that’s ok and also for those aren’t that Ok that i can get the wisdom to realise that they are only lessons to learn from.
I am starting my soul discovery path, that has been on hold for a while now - and ofcourse as i result of my unconscious decisions, i have been getting unconscious results… if that makes sense…so i need to get back into serious shape with this!

Love & tranquility

Wohooo, couting days till my leave…sooo soooo excited! I leave on sato and arrive in london sunday…then straight to the B-ford!!! Can’t wait!
Besides the excitement i have been doing good, work has been hella busy…man endless reports to work on and many things too, hence the blog break, mais am back!! Got new colleagues around, including an intern from umich who’s so sweet. My boss seems pretty impressed with the work am doing and things are just going great at work. My boo is fine, the family is sawa, mum is down with a cold today and took the day off, poor thing hope she feels better soon. Sis is doing ok, we’re hitting the gym on the regular now. My friend who recently lost her dad, seems to be doing fine and adapting, i go see as often as i can… we’re planning a trip to burundi for my birthday, how cool is that?? we’re driving there with few close friends, it’s GOING DOWN no doubt!! Maaaannnn…am sooo looking forward to that plan. Ummmm, what else? Yes, i am planning to prepare a list of things to shop when i travel, still haven’t but i know i very much need to do so bse i feel like i might just do some ES (emotional shopping) lol, am serious though! hehehe.
Ahhh, let me get back to some work, i actually have my hands full yet am blogging…grrrh! focus woman.

A plus tard…peace!

So i get to work this morning, my boss calls me into his office and tells me how he’s sooo impressed with my work and how hardworking i am etc and goes, i would like to give you a raise!! Can u believe that??? I am getting quite a significant amount added, so clearly am more than overjoyed!! This is soooo beautiful, i work in the best place ever, my boss rocks….wow, i can soooo see myself working here five years from now….!! WOOOWWWW! Beautiful, beautiful! Somehow, i think i deserve this, because i have been putting in alot into my job and now this raise is only going to make me more motivated, i’ll put my heart into it and woww…it can only get better from now….THANK YOU FATHER! Lord, you just keep showering down your love on me even times when i least expect it, i know it’s a sign your sending to me and i owe you big time! Thank you sooo much!!

Your words, your dreams, and your thoughts have the power to create conditions in your life. What you speak about, you can bring about.

If you keep saying you can’t stand your job, you might lose your job.

If you keep saying you can’t stand your body, your body can become sick.

If you keep saying you can’t stand your car, your car could be stolen or just stop operating.

If you keep saying you’re always broke, guess what? You’ll always be broke.

If you keep saying you can’t trust a man or trust a woman, you will always find someone in your life to hurt and betray you.

If you keep saying you can’t find a job, you will remain unemployed.

If you keep saying you can’t find someone to love you or believe in you, our very thoughts will attract more experiences to confirm your beliefs.

Turn your thoughts and conversations around to be more positive and power packed with faith, hope, love and action.

Don’t be afraid to believe that you can have what you want and deserve.

Watch your “Thoughts,” they become words;

Watch your “Words,” they become actions;

Watch your “Actions,” they become habits;

Watch your “Habits,” they become character;

Watch your “Character”, for it becomes your “Destiny”

So…….To prevent any obstacles…….GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY!

Enjoy every minute you live!!

A close close friend of mine lost her dad few days ago…

Dear M,

I know there’s nothing that can be said to make you feel better about your loss, but i know you are a true believer and you that God always has a plan for all of us, death is something that we will all have to face at some point, so girl, please stay strong and be there for your younger ones, they need you most right now and if you stay strong they will do the same, you need to show your mum strength too…I have you and your family in my prayers!

Much love xx

Am listening to Tevin Campbell’s ‘always in my heart’ awwww….it brings sooooo many memories as far back as 95 or 96….imagine! It’s such a beautiful song!
Anyhooo, i have been MIA i know, its work and some laziness…but mainly work past few weeks have been exhausting but this week is kind of slow hence why am droping by. Meanwhile, lol all this explanation now for why for? LOL
I’ve been very sawa…got some time off work for 10 days next month and am looking to travel if all stays as planned. Meanwhile, the weather here is insane…summer seems to be very here…and this is a country that’s hot all year round so basically it’s very hot! Got few friends in town on holiday…! Ohhh, i got to meet a long time buddy of mine, ya know who u b…wow, it’s been what? 10 yrs? imagine!!! So yah, it was REALLY nice hanging out and catching up on old times and stuff, although u really didn’t do AS much much on the catching up section, it was me, me, me….goosh, lastnite i was thinking how i was doing all the talking and that’s not nice! LOL….so next time we meet which should be in august if plans don’t change, spotlight will be on u…innit yeah?
Whatelse? Le diet goes on…am 64kgs at ze mo…yipeee….5 more kgs to get my target weight of 59…just like back in the day…so am bringing sexy back big time!!LOL
Ehhmmmm… what else?? Ohhh yeah, am turning 22 in a few weeks time, quite scary i tell ya, mais si it’s growing up? And i hear 22 us the year of confusion!! Like for real, u could make up some screwed up choices and decisions that umm could possibly ruin u, if u don’t have URSELF in place, LOL….the hell am i saying, but yeah point is it’s a messed up year, so its to be extremely careful!
Yearrhhhh, so there’s basically this mad stupid as hell ass kid who thinks she’s the ishhh who’s trying to get all up in my bizz, i mean am generally polite and accomodating, but she’s fuckin pushed the line, in such cases what i do is hit delete on every single u iz, so fairway child! Go merry go round someone else…so yah, that’s about it really, am out!

I lost a close friend of a friend…very sad! I know the girl, she was only 21yrs! Can u believe that? Yah. Tooooo tragic. It really shuck alot of people includ. me…it’s funny how short life can be! I feel awful about the way she died…her family, her little ones! How much life she had ahead of her…it’s tooo tragic! I’m telling u the way things unfold in life can really be shocking. We went to their place lastnite with a friend and my partner. The burial is on sunday which i will attend. May the Lord rest her beautiful soul and give her family strength through such hard times.